Monica Parikh is an attorney, writer, and dating coach who aims to empower women to be their best selves and attract healthy, rewarding love. Now, Monica is bringing her in-depth insight and real-world experience to women everywhere. If you’re ready to be the best version of yourself and attract a partner who deserves you, check out Monica’s class: 28 Days To Attracting Your Best Relationship & Building A More Confident You.
In this series of articles, I've been examining the breakup of Deidre and Mac—a couple whose relationship ended on the cusp of their wedding. Deidre is understandably devastated. It's been two months since Mac moved out, and Deidre has heard nothing.
One day, she called me in a panic. Deidre had bumped into an old colleague who innocently asked, "When are you and Mac getting married? He's such a great guy!" Deidre felt like she had been punched in the face. Not wanting to cause a scene, she quickly excused herself. In the safety of her apartment, she broke down in tears.
"Breathe deep," I told her. Then, I gave her the advice I give all my clients:
"It's time to raise your vibrational frequency."
The Law of Attraction states the higher your vibrational frequency, the more abundance, happiness, and prosperity flow into your life. By raising her vibrational frequency, Deidre increases her chances for a positive outcome—with or without her ex.
It often takes space and time to see the ultimate lesson. Be patient.
Regardless of whether you've just suffered a breakup or have been single for a while, it's important to become an inspiring person who draws other healthy people to you. I suggest the following:
1. Love yourself full-out.
Relationships come and go. The one person you can count on through thick and thin is you. So, do you. Treat yourself like gold. Get a massage. Cook a healthy meal and light some candles. Buy yourself a stunning new outfit.
Most importantly, be gentle in your self-talk. Muzzle the negative voice in your head. Would you berate a person who is grieving? If you wouldn't do it to someone else, don't do it to yourself.
2. Believe in the highest and best outcome.
Life can kick you in the teeth. But believe everything happens for a reason—and for your benefit.
In this case, I counseled Deidre to be open to possibilities. She needs to stop clinging to any particular outcome—and instead have faith that the Universe is conspiring in her favor.
Perhaps this time apart is necessary for Deidre and Mac to work through their issues individually and then come back together as stronger and healthier people.
Or, perhaps Mac is not a suitable partner. In which case, Deidre has dodged a bullet, as Mac would have certainly disappeared post-marriage and/or children. What if the Universe is creating space for someone better to enter Deidre's life? Someone who shares her goals, values, and dreams and is in a healthier mental state?
It often takes space and time to see the ultimate lesson. Be patient.
3. Choose light.
In the throes of heartbreak, you'll want to tell the world that your ex is a dog. Ranting feels good in the moment, but it is dishonest. It doesn't speak to your whole relationship. If he was that bad, why did you stay? And why does part of you want him back?
Anger, bitterness, hatred, and resentment are low-vibrational states. They are ugly—and keep you stuck and alone.
Being happy is the best revenge. And, it's extremely attractive. Gratitude, forgiveness, kindness, and joy are high-vibrational states.
High-vibration people understand that happiness does not depend upon perfect circumstances. Instead, it's a choice consciously made every single day.
4. Express gratitude.
Imagine that you cooked an elaborate meal for me. You spent all day shopping, chopping, cleaning, and cooking. When I sat at your table, I scarfed down my food. Then, I got up and left, offering nary a word of thanks. Would you be motivated to keep on making elaborate feasts?
I didn't think so.
Yet, every day, people forget to be grateful for the blessings of their life but then demand greater and greater abundance to flow, despite their ingratitude.
It's hard to be grateful when life has you up against the ropes, gasping for air. But this is when the practice is most important. Be thankful for your health. Be thankful for food. Be thankful for clean running water. Be thankful for your body. Find every last crumb of joy and praise the Universe before you ask for more.
5. Be a diligent watchman of your words and thoughts.
Make no mistake, your words and thoughts create your reality.
I once had two clients in their late 50s. They were equally attractive. Both suffered heartbreak.
The first one, Ms. Glass Half-Full, was always smiling and ebullient. She anticipated good fortune. She would say, "I am going to meet an amazing man. I can't wait!"
The second one, Ms. Glass Half-Empty, was always frowning and complaining. She thought the Universe was never fair to her. She would say, "Men love younger women. I'm too old to find love."
Which of these two do you think had no shortage of dates?
That's right—the one whose words and thoughts were trained toward success.
Don't dwell on negative words or thoughts—unless you're hoping to make them a reality.
Throughout the day, you have millions of repetitive, anxious, and negative thoughts (we all do). But you must quiet this chatter, so you can tap into your intuition and raise your vibrational frequency.
A daily meditation practice is integral to achieving this. Start small. Sit in a quiet space. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply in and out. As your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present moment. Ten minutes a day is all you need to reap enormous benefit.
If you're intimidated, consider signing up for a class or doing a guided meditation. I personally love "The Honest Guys"—and they’re free.
The greatest creators understand that spiritual, emotional, and physical health are inextricably linked. Exercise is nonnegotiable. In fact, there may be no faster way—except through prayer and meditation—to raise your vibrational state quickly.
You don't have to run a marathon. Instead, take a walk outside. Garden. Ride your bike. Make it a priority to do something physical every single day.
8. Surround yourself with positive people.
Misery loves company. Avoid it at all costs. If you're grieving the loss of love, you have no time to hang out with Debbie Downers—the kind of friends who whine, moan, complain, and are otherwise stuck in negativity. You need to "batten down the hatches"—to keep your head above water in rough seas.
Think about it, if you are dieting, would you go eat dinner with your junk-food-loving friends? Especially the ones who resent the fact that you are trying to eat healthy because you make them feel bad about themselves? The ones who wave pizza and doughnuts in your face, hoping you fall off the wagon? No, you wouldn't. Same with people mired in negativity.
The company you keep will either raise your vibrational frequency or lower it. So, double-down on time with friends and family who empower, celebrate, and motivate you. Reduce time with anyone who exhausts or depletes you.
9. Engage in positive and uplifting growth.
While you'll probably want to play Adele on a loop, resist the temptation. Lamenting the loss of love day after day is wasting precious time—and keeping you stuck in the darkness.
Instead, find ways to grow yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Find a good therapist or coach to help you understand your behavior and find ways you can change for the better. Join a gym to rid yourself of anger and get fit. Learn to paint or speak Spanish. Plan a trip.
As you keep busy—and find outlets to channel your energy productively—you'll be happier. And you'll realize that life does go on.
Laugh every single day. Call an old friend to revisit hilarious memories. Read David Sedaris. Watch Dave Chappelle, George Carlin, or Chris Rock on YouTube. Go see stand-up.
I love watching Eddie Murphy's old standup routines. They chase away the blues and remind me that we're all in this together—slogging through life in the best way we can.
As best said by Victor Hugo, "Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." So, light your face up with a smile.
To learn more about School of Love NYC and to receive a free copy of “Stitched Up: A Primer for Healing Heartbreak” click here.
Monica Parikh is a former attorney turned dating coach currently residing in New York City. She received her B.A. from Northwestern University and a law degree from Cornell University. In 2014 she founded School of Love NYC, where she teaches classes on breakup recovery, social-emotional skills, and relationship psychology. She has been featured on Bustle and Man Repeller, and in Marie Claire.