A Therapist Explains The Research Behind Compliments, Confidence, & Kids
In mindbodygreen's parenting column, Parenthetical, mbg parenting contributor, psychotherapist, and writer Lia Avellino explores the dynamic, enriching, yet often complicated journey into parenthood. In today's installment, Avellino dives into compliments, confidence, and our kids.
I was recently walking through a department store kids clothing aisle and I noticed many of the shirts had phrases like “you’re a star!”, “Be amazing!”, “You’re powerful!”.
While none of these are inherently wrong, consistently labeling children with superlative qualities can get them hooked on external validation—and when it goes away, can lead to self-questioning.
Instead of centering the child’s efforts, these types of compliments can actually center the approval of the parent—hooking our kids on the perception of others rather than their own feelings about themselves and their efforts. Constant affirmation can prompt children to learn what they need to do and be in order to receive attention, rather than taking the time and space to figure out what they like and who they want to be.
But I also hear from adults who have never heard “I am proud of you” or “you are beautiful" from their parents. They long to hear those words, and it’s important to them to share them with their own children.
So where is the line between pouring appreciation and care into our kids and creating a familial culture that organizes around approval?
What does the research say?
Research in the 1990s challenged the 1970s self-esteem movement’s focus on verbal affirmation of outcomes, such as “you’re so smart!”
This data revealed that children interpreted compliments as pressure to meet their parent’s expectations and therefore avoided risk taking if it meant it could compromise excelling. Alternatively, when children are acknowledged for their efforts, like “I see how hard you’re working on your homework,” confidence and risk taking increase.
The shift:
Can you notice without placing judgment as “good” or “bad”?
Consider neutral comments rather than ones that are related to reward. “You really like the color red” when seeing a lot of red in a painting or “I notice all the stories you write include your best friend.”
These do not put any value on your child’s choices, but do let them know you are with them and recognize things that are child-specific, rather than general.
The shift:
Children can tell when compliments are general versus personal. Zooming in, rather than relying on broad statements, can create more closeness and recognition.
Can you choose what you delight in?
Sharing our delight with our children can be enlivening for them and beneficial for the relationship. “I love how you beam when you dance!” or “your laugh makes me smile!” offers specific examples of how your child is sharing their light with you and the world.
Acknowledging things that you want to instill values around can spotlight the commitment rather than the outcome. Praise things like “I notice you didn’t give up when that math problem got tough.”
Being choosy about our compliments means that when we absolutely love something, it spills out of us and our kids can feel it! Even sharing your pride in your kid can be powerful—not necessarily because they got an A on a paper, but because you feel pride in being their parent while watching them grow, learn, and take risks.
The shift:
When your kid asks if you like something, can you turn the question back on them?
When my children ask me if I like their art, I acknowledge the question but then ask the question back: How do you feel about what you created?
Oftentimes, they don’t ask me if I like it again. Refocusing the attention from your perception to their feelings can help them keep their compass inside themselves, rather than seek it outside. It sends the message that the goal isn’t to get others to like what you create or who you are, but to be someone you yourself like and appreciate.
The shift:
The takeaway
Observations that emphasize the process not the outcome can refocus attention on values rather than affirm particular qualities. Being specific versus general can also be a way to increase both the delight you feel and the effect of the delight on your kid’s self-concept!