Advertisement
Curious About Throuple Relationships? Here's Everything To Know
If you're familiar with the terms "open relationship" and "polyamory," you might be curious what throuples are all about. While not exactly the same as polyamory, throuples are one type of ethically nonmonogamous relationship, and they come with a unique set of benefits—but also challenges.
Here's what to know about throuples, including how to make them work, according to relationship experts.
What is a throuple?
A throuple, which is a mix of the words couple and three, is a romantic relationship between three people, in which all three people are intimately linked with the other two. Media representation tends to portray throuples as two bisexual women and one straight man, but they can consist of any combination of genders.
Throuples can also be just as committed to one another as duo couples, despite lacking the legal framework to recognize their relationship by law.
As relationship expert and certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Solar, LCSW, CST, tells mindbodygreen, throuples don't have a hierarchy but rather are balanced. "Throuples can also be closed, but they don't have to be, meaning that each partner may have additional partners if they have an open relationship, or it can be a closed thouple or 'triad,' where it's just the three of them," she explains.
As licensed therapist Jennifer Schneider, MSW, LCSW, LICSW, adds, "Three individuals who are in a relationship with each other very often prefer to be called a 'triad' rather than 'throuple.'" (We'll use "throuple" and "triad" interchangeably throughout this article.)
Throuple keywords:
- Ethical nonmonogamy: Ethical nonmonogamy (ENM), also known as consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), is an approach to relationships wherein people can have more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, and everybody involved is aware and enthusiastically consents to the dynamic.
- Triad: Another term for "throuple," a triad refers to a three-person relationship in which all three people are dating the other two.
- Threesome: Sex between three people is known as a threesome.
- Open relationship: An open relationship is one in which partners have consented to dating and/or sleeping with other people outside of the relationship.
- Closed relationship: A relationship in which partners have agreed not to date and/or sleep with other people outside of the relationship.
- Compersion: The opposite of jealousy, compersion describes the feeling of being happy, turned on, or excited about the idea of your partner being happy, romantically or sexually, with another person.
- Polyamory: A form of consensual or ethical nonmonogamy wherein people may have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time.
- Unicorn: A third person invited into an existing two-person relationship.
- Metamour: One partner's other partner in a polyamorous relationship that is not a throuple. Metamours may or may not interact with each other, depending on the structure of the relationship (i.e., Dave is dating Jen and Morgan, but Jen and Morgan are not dating each other, therefore Jen and Morgan are metamours).
Polyamory versus throuples
A throuple isn't exactly the same as polyamory or an open relationship, although they can overlap. All three terms are subsets under the umbrella of ethical nonmonogamy.
Polyamory, for instance, refers to the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one person, with the informed consent of all people involved. Polyamorous people believe and honor the idea that it's perfectly normal, desirable, and possible to love, be attracted to, and be intimate with more than one person at a time.
An open relationship is a relationship in which a romantically bonded couple (or throuple!) decides to have sex with people outside of their relationship—usually without forming long-lasting emotional bonds or commitment. (Here's how to ask your partner for an open relationship, if that's sparking some curiosity.)
A throuple, then, is an example of polyamory (i.e., loving more than one person at a time), and throuples may or may not be in open relationships, depending on the preferences of those involved. Throuples may be open to love outside of the triad, and each person in the relationship may also have other partners, lovers, or dates.
Misconceptions about throuples & nonmonogamy
"Throuples don't experience jealousy"
It might be easy to assume that if three people have decided to date each other, they wouldn't get jealous of each other, but that is not always the case. As Blaylock-Solar tells mindbodygreen, jealousy is something we all have the capacity to experience, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
"I think it's important to hold space for jealousy and evaluate where it's coming from—and understand that, even in the most open relationships, jealousy may rear its head," she adds.
"Throuples are all about sex"
One might think that people in throuples are only in it for the sex, and while a flourishing sex life can be a benefit of this relationship dynamic, many throuples will tell you it's not all about sex.
In fact, for many throuples, emotional support and intimate connection are the main priorities, just like in other kinds of romantic relationships.
"Three's a crowd"
Lastly, another common misconception about throuples is that one person is always a "third wheel," but when done right, that isn't the case. Of course, it is possible for jealousy to crop up, but throuples prioritize clear communication and the whole point of the dynamic is that all three people feel fulfilled together.
Tips for a thriving throuple
Communicate, communicate, communicate
According to Blaylock-Solar, the most important thing to consider if you want your throuple to thrive is direct and honest communication. It's important for everyone involved to understand what it is they're wanting and expecting from the relationship and, further, making sure everyone is on the same page and can come to an agreement about what's expected.
Set clear rules & boundaries
This one ties into communicating, but you'll need to set ground rules and boundaries in a throuple relationship, just like in any other relationship. Whether you're thinking about sleeping arrangements, or if the throuple is open or closed, all three of you need to be on the same page, Blaylock-Solar says.
And as Schneider adds, this will look different for every triad. "There are no specific 'rules' that all triads follow," she says. In fact, most throuples have their own unique relationship agreements, so it's not possible to give across-the-board examples of how they work. As a unit, the three people must decide what approach they want to take and what dynamics feel good to them in terms of who has sex with whom, where everyone sleeps, how date nights work, etc.
Work with a professional
And of course, working with a therapist is always a good idea if you're in a throuple or considering entering one. According to relationship expert Beth Bloomfield-Fox, LPC, "Meeting with a therapist or relationship coach who is poly-aware and accepting before introducing new parties and dynamics is a great first step."
Here's a helpful directory you can use to find a therapist who specializes in polyamorous relationships.
Benefits of throuples
Open-mindedness
As Blaylock-Solar tells mindbodygreen, one benefit of throuple relationships is that they require open-mindedness and a certain dismantling of how relationships "should" be. Many people in throuples have had to examine how religion had a role in their upbringing and beliefs, for instance, she explains.
Because of this, people in throuples tend to be receptive to trying new things, experimenting, and figuring out what works best for them, instead of simply doing what's expected or normalized in wider culture.
Increased intimacy
Clear and direct communication is a huge part of all ENM relationships. Being able to have the sometimes challenging conversations about expectations, rules, and boundaries is what helps throuples navigate the relationship and stay connected. This results in increased emotional intimacy between all parties.
Not only that but increased emotional intimacy tends to result in greater sexual intimacy as well. And for folks in triads, having a third person in the bedroom can keep things fun and exciting.
More support
Whether we're talking financial support, emotional support, or simply support around the house keeping up with chores, having three people to tackle everything together can "lighten the load," so to speak, in a lot of ways.
Real stories of throuples
Here, some people who are in, or have been in, throuples, talk about what it is or was like for them:
- "We've been together for two years. We did not actively seek or choose being in a throuple; we stumbled across it, and the way of life chose us accordingly. If you ask us about the barriers we face—most of them are external. For example, because our way of life is still not considered 'normal,' we keep having to explain to people why and how we are the way we are and why there is one more person than usual. Also, sleeping/sitting arrangements outside are usually made for two people, so we have to adjust there. When it comes to our relationship itself on an internal/emotional level, making two relationships work at the same time (and dealing with two egos...!) is definitely more challenging. However, the flip side to this is beyond beautiful. Two people rarely fulfill each other on every level, and a third person can definitely complement the relationship. To give you an example, Martha and Karan are both highly extroverted and energetic, which their relationship thrives upon. Nevertheless, their relationship needs Inga's calmness and nurturance to remain stable. Additionally, since we are now three people unconditionally supporting each other and splitting daily tasks accordingly, we end up with more time to pursue our individual interests. And if one of us does something alone/away from the others, they know that the others are well taken care of because they are two people, and you're not leaving one person alone." —Inga (25), Karan (34), and Martha (23)
- "I was in a throuple for six months with a couple I met on Tinder. At first it was kind of like a montage from a movie. I couldn't believe how fun it was. But over time, cracks started to show, and I realized that they really hadn't prepared for opening up their original relationship. I felt more and more pushed out and annoyed. It ended up blowing up pretty bad." —Amanda (29)
- "I didn't exactly choose to end up in a 'V.' It just kind of happened. I made friends with a couple through my bar job, and me and the guy started sleeping together. I was new to non-monogamy and couldn't really believe that his girlfriend didn't mind and that she even wanted to be friends with me. We ended up spending like a year traveling together through Asia. In the end we all transitioned to just being friends, and we're inseparable. Nowadays I'm in a monogamous relationship, and I think it works better for me, but I am glad I tried something different." —Em (30)
The takeaway
Throuples or "triads" are a unique form of relationship between three consenting people who want to be a trio. At the end of the day, throuples, polyamory, other forms of ENM, and monogamy can all result in healthy and fulfilling relationships for everyone involved—it all comes down to personal desires and preferences.
Watch Next
Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes
Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes
What Is Meditation?
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Light Watkins
Box Breathing
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar
What Breathwork Can Address
Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar
The 8 Limbs of Yoga - What is Asana?
Yoga | Caley Alyssa
Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips
Yoga | Caley Alyssa
How Plants Can Optimize Athletic Performance
Nutrition | Rich Roll
What to Eat Before a Workout
Nutrition | Rich Roll
How Ayurveda Helps Us Navigate Modern Life
Nutrition | Sahara Rose
Messages About Love & Relationships
Love & Relationships | Esther Perel
Love Languages
Love & Relationships | Esther Perel
What Is Meditation?
Box Breathing
What Breathwork Can Address
The 8 Limbs of Yoga - What is Asana?
Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips
How Plants Can Optimize Athletic Performance
What to Eat Before a Workout
How Ayurveda Helps Us Navigate Modern Life
Messages About Love & Relationships
Love Languages
Advertisement
