How To Ask For An Open Relationship Or Marriage
Asking your spouse or partner for an open relationship can feel overwhelmingly difficult. You don't want to hurt their feelings or trigger an irreversible rift in your relationship. Indeed, this first conversation is pivotal. How you approach the discussion sets the tone for the conversations to come (and no, this is not going to be settled in one conversation). Here's a primer for those first, difficult steps of telling your partner you want to have an open marriage or open relationship:
1. Begin with an exploratory mission.
Ask your mate if they would be willing to discuss the possibility of opening your marriage or relationship. This is much less threatening than jumping directly to "I want to have sex with other people."
2. Praise your partner.
Tell them all the ways you value your marriage or relationship. Be specific about what you appreciate. This conversation should remain respectful. After all, this is someone you care for deeply. Emotionally charged discussions can turn ugly in a heartbeat, and reassuring your partner of their best qualities can buffer any hurt feelings that might start to arise in either of you.
3. Brush up on good communication skills.
If your partner asks why you want an open relationship—and they will—avoid speaking negatively about their behavior in your relationship. Speak in "I" sentences: "I want more freedom" versus "You are stifling me."
4. Know where you stand.
Opening your relationship will not fix your current relationship problems. If you are feeling resentful of or disgusted by your partner, recognize that opening your relationship may be more of an escape for you than exploration—in which case, know that you risk losing your relationship if you open it up. Two people need to be strongly bound to make contracts of this nature. If what you really want is a breakup, an open relationship may just make things even worse—and lead to a breakup anyway, just after a lot more unnecessary hurt.
If you do want to preserve your current relationship, the next step is crucial.
5. Strengthen your connection with your partner.
Perhaps do some counseling, work on your communication skills together, spend quality time together nurturing your connection, or make an activity you like to do together a weekly routine. Honestly evaluate what is happening between you. What are the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship?
6. Avoid labels and jargon.
Sometimes lingo like "open marriage," "polyamory," "swinging," and other terms for nonmonogamy scare people off. The truth is, everyone has a very different idea of what these things mean. Having an open relationship can mean anything from occasionally getting to make out with someone else to watching porn with a love interest, having a flirtatious lunch with a colleague, multiple relationships, or living with more than one partner. Get a very clear picture of what you want before you begin the discussion.
7. Get some support.
It's great if you have a community of friends who have similar lifestyle choices, but this isn't the case for most people. Enlist a sex-positive counselor or therapist who can witness your process and help you sort out what's possible for you as a couple. This could be a long process. Remember, patience is a virtue.
8. Let your partner go first.
It's common to have one partner want an open relationship while the other doesn't, so take your time. When I suggested we open our marriage, my husband was intrigued but afraid. We worked with a therapist for five months and were still at a standstill. Until I suggested he try it first. I encouraged him to date for a few months while I focused on supporting his process. After 20 years of marriage, he was captivated by the plan. And because I offered to let him go first, his fears over the thought of me hooking up with another man lessened. The fact that I was generous enough to let him venture out on his own, without worrying about who I had my eye on, gave him the added trust in our marriage that he needed to move forward.
9. Allow for mistakes.
We all want to do ethical nonmonogamy perfectly, but unforeseen situations will pop up. There will be a certain amount of mess. Try not to shame each other for miscommunication and misunderstandings. Amend agreements and keep going. It's like learning Spanish—you wouldn't expect to speak fluently after three classes. There's a learning curve here too.
10. Go slowly.
Promise your partner there will be no fast moves, no hairpin turns. Promise to drive within the speed limit and pull over if you lose your way. Erring on the side of caution can help you avoid too many big goofs. Have some short exploratory ventures out into the world of open relationships. You will make interesting discoveries about yourself and your partner, and you'll need to make adjustments and review your standards and practices.
11. Think progressively.
Nonmonogamy is just another way to set up your relationship. It does work for many. Customize it to work for you and your partner. Just as no two monogamous relationships are the same, no two open relationships work exactly the same way. Be open to your own interpretations of what it means to have an open marriage—and good luck.
Gracie X is a sex writer, director, actress, and author of Wide Open: My Adventures in Polyamory, Open Marriage and Loving on My Own Terms. She has degrees in Women's Studies and Acting from Bard College, and she writes prolifically about ethical non-monogamy, open relationships, and creating chosen families. Her work has appeared at Bustle, The Huffington Post, New Harbinger Publications, Metro UK, the San Francisco Gay and Lesbian Film Festival, KTEH, Outfest, and elsewhere.