A Beginner's Guide To Polyamory: How It Works & How To Know If It's For You

Polyamory is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy wherein people may have romantic relationships with multiple people at the same time, says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. "Everyone involved in the polyamorous relationship has consented to the relationship dynamic," she adds.

The word polyamory can be broken down into two parts: poly, which has Greek origins and translates to "many or more than one," and amor, which is Latin and means "love." Together, the word refers to having many loves. Even though the word itself hasn't been around for that long, polyamory has been in practice since the beginning of time, according to Menezes.

While the words sound similar, polyamory and polygamy aren't the same thing. In fact, they're very different, according to Kamela Dolinova, a counselor who works with the polyamorous community.

Like monogamy, Dolinova explains, polygamy has to do with marriage: being married to many people rather than one (mono). But historically, most polygamous cultures have only allowed for one man marrying many women. Women have rarely had the freedom to marry several men or to have relationships with anyone other than their husband.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach to any relationship, and that also applies to polyamorous ones. Everyone does polyamory a little differently. There are no rules set in stone, but the people involved in any given relationship create their own boundaries and agreements. The key is to make sure you are honoring whatever boundaries and agreements were made and openly communicating your desires if they've evolved beyond the original terms.

Within a polyamorous relationship, some may choose to prioritize one partner above others, making that person their "primary" partner. There's also the option to have multiple primary partners or leave the space for additional relationships that could blossom to primary level, or those who prefer the hierarchical approach might opt to stick with one primary relationship. In this setup, the other partners are considered secondary partners, and they often must accept pre-existing rules or limits on time defined by the primary relationship members. 

No. Polyamory isn't illegal, but there are limitations for these unions. According to Dolinova, there aren't any laws preventing consenting adults from having more than one loving relationship at a time, but being married to more than one person is indeed illegal in (most of) the United States. 

Most things can be wonderful for one person and not great for someone else. There's a common misconception that polyamory is naturally toxic or bad, but that isn't the case. Polyamory can be a beautiful way of relating to others, just like any other relationship style. What can make it and/or any other relationship toxic is what happens inside that relationship between the people in it, their actions, and behaviors.

Like any other relationship structure, polyamory can become toxic when there is "dishonesty, unhealthy power dynamics, consistently overstepping boundaries, disregarding others' feelings and agreements, choosing to be in the relationship for the wrong reasons," says Menezes.

Yes, according to Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Human connections are complicated, and our needs and desires can change throughout our lifetime. 

When it comes to sharing your polyamorous lifestyle with new potential partners, it's important to bring it up early, Hall says. And since polyamory can take quite a few forms, you'll need to let this person know what polyamory means to you. 

"Being upfront and honest from the beginning is respectful, can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings, and ensures no one is wasting their time and energy," she explains. "Most people in the polyamorous community are adept at communicating their boundaries, limits, and expectations, and that should include a brief, thoughtful way to communicate with potential new partners."

Explaining your desire for a polyamorous relationship to a current partner you're in a monogamous relationship with can be a little more difficult. Asking this person to move away from the familiarity they know in order to make room for others can be tough, but it's not an impossible task. The biggest rule here, according to Dolinova, is being honest without being brutal. She encourages you to find the words to express your wants, fears, and hopes without hurting your partner's feelings in the process. 

"One of the cardinal rules: Don't try to open your relationship when things aren't going well. It will definitely not fix it, and, in fact, will undoubtedly make things worse. The time to look at exploring polyamory when you're in a monogamous relationship is when your relationship is healthy, strong, and exciting, and you both want to know what it would be like to have even more love in your lives," she adds.

But what happens if your partner isn't open to accepting your desire for a polyamorous relationship and they are hurt? 

"Anecdotally speaking, it's really hard to come back from it when one partner expresses a desire to go outside a monogamous relationship and the other person is really hurt by it," Dolinova tells mbg.

Though not impossible, she says the desire for polyamory doesn't typically fade if it's a sincere desire for a relationship style. That's because the desire for polyamory isn't necessarily about just wanting more lovers; it's often about wanting the freedom to explore loving relationships with multiple people.

Polyamory occurs between individuals who are in consensual romantic or sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time. At the end of the day, both polyamory (and other forms of ENM) and monogamy can birth beautiful, healthy, and enriching relationships for everyone involved. It all comes down to personal desires and preferences.