Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Question: I dated someone whose penis was so big, every time we had sex, it was incredibly painful, and it definitely contributed to our relationship not lasting. Is there anything I could've done to deal with that? What do I do if that happens in the future?
Let me begin by simply stating: Sometimes his junk just doesn't fit. And that's OK, girl! Sexual compatibility has many layers—chemistry is important, psychological connection is important. But there's an additional compatibility level with our genitals.
Let me ask you a question. Prior to your ex, did you have painful sex with other partners?
- Yes, I've had painful sex before, regardless of penis size.
- No, I've never had painful sex, regardless of penis size.
If you answered yes, you might be holding a lot of tension and tightness in your vaginal walls.
If you've never had this issue before but find yourself having sex in the future with another partner who has a big penis, you're either going to learn to work with what he's working with or determine that you and your partner are not sexually compatible.
Either way, there's a lot you can do.
You don't want your vaginal walls to be super-tight or super-loose. The jade egg method can help you learn to squeeze more tightly and to relax the vaginal muscles to expand more. Women with loose vaginal walls benefit from the jade egg, especially after childbirth because the jade egg helps to tighten them up again.
Women with tight vaginal walls who deal with painful sex can use the jade egg to make their vaginal walls more resilient and flexible. Some plastic surgeons charge an arm and a leg for vaginal rejuvenation surgery, but you can learn how to rejuvenate yourself on your own with a jade egg, for a hell of a lot less money.
Try with penetration and without penetration and see what works best for you:
The no-penetration method involves intentional tantric visualization. Just inhale and squeeze your Kegel muscles and the walls of your vagina. Then exhale, relax, and release. Follow your breath as you visualize and you'll see huge progress—more than you would just doing Kegels without the visualization.
The penetrative method can be performed with a glass wand, a jade egg, a Kegel ball, or a Kegel weight. If your issue is specific to uncomfortable penetration, this method is likely to be more helpful.
Since your issue is discomfort with a large penis, start small and work your way up through a series of sex toys that are sequentially larger. Sex toys can help you get to a point where having sex with a man who has a large penis feels not only comfortable but good.
The milking technique:
With your sex toy or egg, inhale, squeeze, exhale, and relax. Repeat this pattern. This is known as the milking technique. It's useful when your vagina feels tight and sex is painful or if you're loose, especially after childbirth. Either way, you're winning because this technique teaches your vagina to contract and release, mimicking the automatic tension and relaxation of the muscles during orgasm.
Having tantric sex is like running a marathon. You need to stretch and prepare so that when you're self-pleasuring or having sex with a partner, your body has trained itself to allow total contraction followed by total relaxation of the same muscles. One of the main reasons a lot of women don't reach climax is that their bodies stay at a point of tension, without breaking through to the other side to the release of serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline that comes with orgasm.
One of the main misconceptions about tantra is that you have to wait until you have a partner to practice these techniques. But if you have a vagina, you have to learn how to get it in first gear yourself. Understanding how your anatomy works and knowing how to exercise your vaginal muscles is crucial for every woman.
Only when you understand your own body can you understand the responses you'll have with each individual partner. Every woman should practice these techniques—partner or not. Not only does it afford you tons of sexual benefits, but it promotes the health of your vagina, your body, and your hormones. Basically, it's sexual yoga. How can you say no to that?
One of my goals in the mission of sexual healing and liberation is to keep girls from growing up with ignorance, fear, and confusion about how their bodies work and how sex works. I find it so frustrating that in 2016 so many of us still don't understand our own vaginas. Let's get real. Let's start there. Take control. Knowledge is power. Know yourself, and you'll empower yourself.