Why Not Getting Pregnant Was A Blessing In Disguise

Why Not Getting Pregnant Was A Blessing In Disguise Hero Image

This is my first time speaking openly about this (mild panic attack happening over here) but I’m trying to get pregnant. It’s taking longer than we anticipated.

I was never one of those women who expected to get married or have kids by a certain age. I got married a few years ago when I was 32, deciding to focus on my career instead. And I never regretted that. Until this year when I began craving more than work success.

To boost my fertility, I saw doctors, increased my yoga practice, changed my diet, and committed to weekly acupuncture. And still, with all the positive changes … nothing. If you’ve experienced this you know it’s a roller coaster, challenging your relationship and your sanity at every turn.

While I’ve been trying to focus on the rest of life, baby-making has been a constant worry. I’m either thinking of it hopefully, with anxiety, or praying on it — it’s always on my mind.

Until this month. As I've done every month, I peed on a stick, hoping more than anything that this was going to be the time I got two lines. And yet, it wasn’t. But this time, unlike others, I was happy. Relieved, almost.

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I realized that over the past few months, I’d been waiting for something to happen. Perhaps subconsciously, I was keeping myself in neutral. Anticipating some future milestone in my life, I never fully committed to what I was doing here and now.

I’m a competitive, determined person. I have always been proud of the fact that I worked hard and became a VP of a multi-billion dollar company at a young age. These days, I am working to find success in my own consulting business. When I added "wanting to be a mom" into the mix, I was ... different. Suddenly I wasn’t leaning in, I was waiting for a result to change things.

In short, I hardly recognized myself. I missed the old me; the person I relied on to take action. I’d been so focused on what wasn’t happening, that I lost sight of what was and who I am. So this past month, I decided to use what the “old me” knows all too well and to take action to find the person I’d left behind.

Here's what I did:

1. I committed to actively releasing my anxiety, frustration and all those uncomfy feelings.

I made the choice, daily, to focus my energy on myself (beyond baby-making), my husband, and my business. Instead of judging myself for having complicated feelings, I accepted them and chose to let go of thoughts and emotions that weren't serving me. Of course, I can’t keep those insecurities thoughts from popping up. But now I listen instead of fighting them, and then choose to move past them.

2. I committed to being grateful for the present.

I realized it wasn’t fair to my current life to be so unhappy with it. It sounds fluffy, but I have nothing to complain about and this is the blessing. Whenever those annoying thoughts popped up like a scary jack-in-the-box, I reminded myself of how grateful I am for all that I have in my life now — for the love, health and happiness that are with me every day. Practicing gratitude has a 100% success rate in changing my mood. (Just saying!)

3. I found a place to focus my energy.

At times I’d do the first two and I’d still feel fuzzy and couldn’t put my finger on why. Then I realized it’s like going shopping when you don’t know what you’re looking for; you wind up wandering around, lost, for two hours. What I needed was to find a positive outlet for my energy. When I made a choice to focus on launching my new business — something I could control — I saw a domino effect: traction with my clients, connection to those around me, and a shift in my mood.

Focusing on what I didn’t have was keeping me from seeing what I do have. So for me, NOT getting pregnant has turned out to be a lovely thing. I feel more connected to my husband, I feel healthy and strong, I’m focused on the excitement of my new offering and I feel tuned in to those I work with.

Do I still want to have kids? Yes, of course. But right now I choose to enjoy the happiness that exists in my life just as it is.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com


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