If You Can't Find A Good Partner, You're Probably Making This Mistake

Marriage and Family Therapist By Shelly Bullard, MFT
Marriage and Family Therapist
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to relationships. She has worked with thousands of clients on improving their relationships with others and themselves.
Couple walking together in a grassy field near the ocean. He has his arm over her shoulders and both are smiling.

Image by Caleb Gaskins / Stocksy

There's a huge mistake that many people make when it comes to finding love. That mistake? They believe a relationship is going to complete them. What I mean is: You think something's missing in your life, and another person will make that feeling go away. Perhaps you think that a relationship is the key to you being happy.

This mindset might be having a negative effect on your relationships and potential partners. In fact, I'd go as far as to say this mindset is sabotaging your experience in love.

Why you can't rely on a relationship for fulfillment:

There are two main reasons that this mistake is detrimental to your love life:

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1. Other people can feel it when you have anxiety about finding love.

Any time you approach a relationship from a sense of emptiness inside—like something is missing and you're trying to fill a hole—it will be sensed by the people you're dating. And it won't feel good to them.

When you're confident, your vibe goes something like this: "It's nice to meet you, and we'll see if I want to continue spending time with you." Cool, calm, collected, and probably pretty intriguing. But when you have that underlying feeling of needing to find a relationship, your entire vibe changes. It feels more like this: "Do you like me?" Energetically, it's not attractive. In fact, it tends to have the opposite effect on people; it repels them. And this is a big problem if you're looking for love.

2. You attract experiences that match how you're feeling on the inside.

If you feel like something's missing in your life, then your experience will bring you proof that this perception is true. For example, if you're preoccupied with finding a partner and hyper-focused on not having one, you'll continue to see the same results of not having a partner. The experience will appear in two specific ways: You'll either remain single or find a relationship that keeps you unfulfilled. You have to feel good before you find a partner if you want the relationship to feel good, too.

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What to do about it:

How can you change to feel more secure, at ease, present and confident when you're looking for love? You start by searching for the feelings you think a relationship will bring you, inside yourself. You may think it's impossible to feel connected, loved, held, and taken care of without a partner, but I promise you that you can. The most beautiful thing about this process is that once you find these feelings inside of you, you'll be much more likely to find them in a relationship, too.

People tend to overcomplicate this experience of self-love. But self-love is simply a sense of finding peace, happiness, contentment, and acceptance inside of you. It requires a quiet mind, an open heart, and a connection to your inner voice. A few practices and activities that can help you on your journey to self-love: Finding a yoga practice, meditation, daily journaling, going to therapy, and getting to know yourself. You find self-love by setting aside quiet time to just be with you.

The bottom line:

By creating a practice of finding peace, strength, happiness, and fulfillment within, the sense of needing something outside of you to feel good will start to disappear. And when this happens, ironically, everything you've always wanted, including an incredible relationship, will make its way to you.

Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a holistic and spiritual approach to...
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Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT
Shelly Bullard, MFT, is a marriage and family therapist with a...
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