The One Thing That Turns Ordinary Sex Into Extraordinary Lovemaking

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One of the great mysteries of life is the way our sexual encounters—especially the most memorable and passionate ones—live outside of space and time. It's almost as if time stands still and bends itself around the encounter. Minutes that fly by seem to last hours and hours. Stepping into an alternate reality, our ego quiets and our senses move us beyond the language of everyday life.

In fact, forcing our sexual selves into the framework of our ordinary reality flattens its potential. Sex becomes rote; we mark the time through repetitive actions, which actually separate us from the potential of the moment we are in.

And yet, for most of us the doorway to life-changing sex is something we fall upon accidentally rather than a portal we can intentionally manifest. Carlos Castaneda once described the process like this: "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." Non-ordinary reality can only be accessed when we stop the world—when we experience the moment without our daily perceptual framework.

Although we rely on our senses to interpret reality, most of us don't fully attend to the rich sensory input presented to us throughout our days. Instead of feeling what is happening to us in the moment, we are occupied with what might happen next. These behaviors keep us tethered to the ordinary—even in the bedroom. This unadventurous mindset is not open to raw sexual exploration. So, here are a few tips to help you escape the everyday and dive into deep pleasure:

1. Decide to jump into the void together.

Create a space where you can let go of everyday thinking. Preclude interruptions by setting aside more time than you think you need. And set an intention with your partner to journey into the unknown. A shared commitment is powerful fuel and gives everyone permission to abandon reality. Setting intentions is a key practice for all shamanic work as it creates a virtual opening for both people and a safety net for the exploration.

2. Supercharge your senses with fantasy.

Engage your imagination through increased sensory input. Play rhythmic music that is outside your ordinary reality. Use the power of scent (i.e., love oils) to open up the fantasy space contained in your limbic brain. Play with different lighting levels and introduce unusual flavors into the space. Heightening sensory awareness prepares you for transcendent sex.

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3. Let go.

Fall into the flow and let the moment lead you. When day-to-day thoughts come up, notice them and tell yourself you will come back to them later, knowing these will come up as your boundaries are being stretched. This is a practice. When you slip out of your typical thinking, just let go. Give yourselves permission to experience extraordinary pleasure. Allow the experience to move through you, letting any sounds emerge. Close your eyes if you need to remove distractions. Be amazed at the power of your sexual self.

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