While physical disgust and mental stress can certainly be strong enough to trigger anti-sexual lockdown on their own, the most powerful branch of anti-sexuality is emotional disconnect. This happens when a woman feels like you don't care about her.
(It's not about whether you think you've done enough to express it. Right or wrong, it's the physical sensation in her body that either allows her to be turned on or not.)
When a woman is figuring out whether or not she feels like having sex, her body will replay the most recent experiences of emotional intimacy (or lack thereof) to assess if there is enough of a connection to spark sexual arousal and desire.
Has he called or texted me recently to see how I'm doing?
Has it felt lighthearted and playful, or stale and transactional?
Our culture's dominant narrative is that sexual desire should just happen spontaneously because that's how it's experienced at the beginning of a relationship.
The truth is, in the long term, a woman's sex drive is actually responsive to her circumstances. It's the feeling of emotional connection with a partner that actually turns a woman on.
Emotional intimacy and emotional disconnect are constantly moving a woman's body toward or away from sexual arousal.
That's why texting her throughout the day, greeting her with a long hug, and lighting candles are all great ways to ensure that anti-sexuality never becomes any issue. At their core, all of these seemingly disparate gestures demonstrate that you are thinking about her and that you care about her.
The interplay between the three branches of anti-sexuality cause all kinds of arguments and misunderstandings about sex.
Say your wife comes home tired from a long day at work, where she had a co-worker blow up at her an hour before she left. The house has been in disarray for a week because you've both been super busy and haven't had time to keep up. Her body would be registering at a 5/10 on the anti-sexual scale. Your next actions are going to play a huge role in how the evening plays out.
On one hand, you have the option to be frustrated because she's been letting this co-worker bother her for over a month now. Then you can choose to ignore her because "If she doesn't want me to fix it, there’s no point talking about it."
The problem with this decision is the emotional disconnect she's going to feel. It will push her into a full anti-sexual lockdown—a stressed-out, tired woman in a messy house who's just felt a massive smack of emotional disconnect when she needs support is not going to be willing or eager to move into arousal mode.
That experience will linger in her body, compiled with similar experiences from other days, and build up into walls of bitterness and resentment over time.
What if you choose to make a different decision, though?
What if you were there to greet her at the door with a long hug where she could relax into the safety of your arms and feel welcomed the home?
From there, you could choose to bring her to the couch and let to her talk about her day so she felt like you cared about her.
Instead of offering solutions, just listen while you rub her shoulders or feet.
This is the fastest way to help a stressed-out woman stuck in the sympathetic fight-or-flight mode move into the parasympathetic rest-and-relax state.
It's from this relaxed state that she's able to realize just how supportive and caring you've been to her, which starts to turn her on...and how the rest of the night goes is for the two of you to decide.
Do you see just how much power the decisions you make have on your relationship? By understanding anti-sexuality, you can understand why your partner struggles to feel sexual sometimes and help her move back into that state of openness to arousal.