3 Reasons Why You Feel Lonely In Your Relationship (& What To Do)

One of the things that people rarely speak of is the loneliness you can sometimes experience in romantic relationships. Even partners in marriages are vulnerable to periods of feeling isolated, unsupported, or alone. Since companionship is the cornerstone that many relationships are built on, it can be hard to believe that you might find yourself feeling lonely despite initially feeling stimulated and fulfilled.

Intimacy is a safe emotional and physical space that allows two people to be at their most vulnerable without fear of shame, judgment, or rejection. Some people easily confuse intimacy with sex, which can be a part of intimacy but certainly isn't the only form of it.

Many couples believe that they have done the work to build intimacy in the early phase, when feeling connected and mutual acceptance of each other’s flaws comes more easily for some. However, it’s not until you need support through a challenge or crisis that you will be able to determine if your partner can truly handle your imperfections, vulnerabilities, and emotional needs. You may experience loneliness if you discover that you can’t be your most vulnerable self with your partner at times when you need it the most.

The saying “opposites attract” holds a great deal of merit. Many of us are attracted to people who have different strengths, habits, and interests while sharing some important core values and embracing the same “big picture” together. It requires patience and acceptance to love someone who approaches life differently, and this is easiest to manage in the early phases of dating.

When partners are at their best, they can benefit from having a partner with different interests and goals if they view them as complimentary. But a natural byproduct of being opposites is that your opposing interests, projects, and goals will often take you in different directions. Many partners are shocked to discover just how little they have in common with their partner outside of the honeymoon phase. This can foster feelings of loneliness in your relationship.

What to do: Adjust your expectations for your relationship. Initially you may have expected to have more shared interests, joint projects, and things to talk about together. However, your relationship may not look like a relationship between two people who have lots in common besides the big picture. Be aggressive about discovering activities you can enjoy together and make sure both of you are fully present during those activities. It’s also helpful to pick a few meaningful projects and activities to support your partner through despite having very little personal interest in them. If your partner is willing to do the same, then you may experience feeling more companionship and support from each other over time.

Different life experiences can leave us seeking validation, praise, and support from outside sources. Sometimes we're unaware and unable to connect the experiences from our past to our current feelings and behaviors. For example, if you failed to receive healthy doses of love, attention, and connection while growing up, then you may seek large amounts from others. Even deep wounds from previous romantic relationships can hinder your ability to feel whole and take sole responsibility for your own happiness.

If you don’t take the time to acknowledge and process meaningful and traumatic experiences from your past, you may attempt to use romantic relationships to fill any voids that exist. But a healthy relationship can only take you so far. Counting on your partner to fulfill your unmet needs without working toward healing old wounds will ultimately leave you feeling lonely and disappointed.

What to do: If you’ve received feedback from partners about having unrealistic expectations or needs, make time to consider if their claims hold validity. Feeling chronic loneliness in your relationships is one indicator that you may need to do some emotional work to ensure that you have healthy self-esteem and are able to love yourself without needing validation and physical gestures from others to feel complete.

While it’s common to experience a short season or two of loneliness in long-term relationships, they shouldn’t persist or become regular occurrences. If the loneliness you feel isn’t related to schedule conflicts or the challenges that long-distance relationships can create, deeper issues that exist between you and your partner may be the culprit.