Most of us have been in relationships before. We might be in them now. If you are, is yours fun and exciting? Is it playful? Does it bring more ease and joy into your life? Does it make your life greater? Or, perhaps, there was a time, maybe in the beginning, when your relationship was all of these things, but not so much now.
Often, when relationships begin, it's like an adventure. You adore everything about your partner. You have a sense of being alive and of loving life. It's light. It's easy. It's fun. Then, for so many couples, that all starts to change. That cute thing your partner does now annoys the heck out of you. You notice all of their inconsistencies and idiosyncrasies, and the good feelings disappear!
What would it take for your relationship to remain an adventure—no matter how long you'd been in it? What would it take to wake up every day, grateful for you, grateful for your partner, grateful for your relationship? What would it be like if the playfulness and excitement never went away and actually increased with time?
All of this and more is possible! You can create a conscious relationship that contributes to you, to your partner, and to the world in ways you haven't yet imagined.
No matter where your relationship is today, you can begin using these four tips to create something greater right away!
1. Move from judgment into acceptance.
Today's expectations become tomorrow's judgment. All the expectations you have of yourself, of your partner, and of your relationship will turn into the things that you judge, and those judgments will kill your relationship.
A conscious relationship is one that includes everything and judges nothing. It's a relationship that is in total allowance of everything that you are and everything that your partner is.
That sounds good, right? But how do you get there? How do you go from expectations to allowance? It's simple! Every time you have a thought or expectation about anything, say, "Interesting point of view. I have that point of view." Keep saying it until you feel lighter.
What happens is that all of your conclusions about how things should be, including how you should be, become just an interesting point of view rather than a fact.
The next time your partner does something that makes you want to run away screaming, say, "Interesting point of view. I have that point of view," and see what happens.
You can use this for the expectations you have of yourself, too. But don't try it. You might actually start to have total allowance for yourself!
2. Maintain an identity outside of your relationship.
We have been taught that if we care for someone, we sacrifice for them. When we assume this is real and true, we cut off parts of ourselves in order to prove that we care. Have you ever noticed that this doesn't work? And have you ever noticed that when you care for yourself, you actually care more for others?
The world is asking for you to show up with all of you—all of the beauty, brilliance, and greatness that you are. When you cut off pieces of you to fit into a relationship, everyone misses out on the amazing gift of you!
What would your relationship be like if you brought all of you into it? What would be created in your relationship and in the world if you never stopped prioritizing you?
When we choose to do the things that are fun for us, to connect with the people who value us, to do what works for us, our relationship grows and expands into something greater.
When we stop choosing for ourselves, doing the things we enjoy, spending time with the people who nurture and care for us, our relationship goes on autopilot and the adventure of life and living goes away.
If you want the adventure, the joy, the playfulness, and the fun, keep choosing for you. Choosing for you does not mean choosing against your partner. It simply means that you are choosing to have and be all of you. That is the only way relationships work.
You can start by taking one hour a day to do something you love. Go for a walk. Read a book. Paint a picture. Start to choose for you!
3. Choose to be in the relationship, every day.
After being in a relationship for a while, we often stop actively choosing to be there. We chose it when it started, and we don't go any further than that.
If you would instead make the choice to be in your relationship every single day, you would go from just coasting in the relationship to experiencing the creativity, fun, and excitement that was there in the beginning.
4. Ask yourself how your relationship could get better.
Questions have the power to change things dynamically and quickly. When we aren't asking questions, nothing new can show up. When we start asking questions, we invite magic and miracles, new possibilities, limitless fun, creativity, and joyfulness into our lives.
A great question is, "How does my relationship get any better than this?" When you ask this question, the things that aren't working get better. The things that are already good become even more amazing. So, ask and keep asking!
However long you've been in your relationship and whatever state it's in, you can create something greater! You can have the joy, the excitement, and the adventure of a relationship that contributes to you, to your partner, and to the world! Be the invitation to more ease and joy in relationships. Be the invitation to a different possibility. Be the change you wish to see!
Dain Heer, D.C. is a chiropractic doctor, author, radio host, and the co-creator of Access Consciousness, a personal development modality available in more than 170 countries. He received his chiropractic degree at Southern California University for Health Sciences. Born and raised in California, Heer now lives in Houston, Texas.