The 4 Inner Monologues Holding You Back From Epic Sex
Do you long to experience earth-shattering soulful sex with your partner but often find yourself feeling disconnected and disappointed? You might be sabotaging your sexytime by coming up against one of these four common mindset blocks—all of which are pretty much guaranteed to keep your boudoir activities stuck in "meh" rather than mind-blowing.
If you want to upgrade your sex life and experience more divine union with your partner, start tackling these mental shifts:
1. You worry that your body isn't "good enough."
With traditional and social media chock-full of images of (so-called) "perfect" bodies, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself and feeling like you don’t measure up. But let me tell you, dear one, that’s the fastest route to a lackluster love session. Great sex requires you to be in the moment, and if you’re worrying that your tummy roll is showing or that your boobs are too small, you are never going to be able to surrender to the deliciousness of the present moment.
To zoom yourself back into the present, try tuning out the voice of your inner critic. I like to think of my inner critic as my inner "mean girl" (or "bad boy" if you’re a guy) that’s taken up residence inside my head. I wouldn’t give the time of day to a schoolyard bully, so why would I let my mind’s own inner mean girl run the show?!
Whenever your inner critic pipes up, the best thing to do is to let her have her say...then gently close the door on her. Remind yourself that your lover is there because of YOU and who you are on a soul level—not because of your cup size or waist measurement. To supercharge this mindset shift, once you’ve quieted your mean girl, you might even like to repeat an affirmation or two, to rapidly raise your vibe. Try "My body is a source of divine pleasure. I honor its unique beauty and embody my full sexual self."
2. You don't enforce your boundaries.
Boundaries are an essential part of a healthy sex life. Having your own personal rules about what is and isn’t acceptable allows you to relax and feel safe because you’ve proactively laid the guidelines for how people should interact with and treat you.
You can have boundaries around any and all aspects of sex, and only YOU can decide what feels right for you. For instance, you might have boundaries around using contraception or how soon in a relationship you’ll become intimate with someone or what positions you are and aren’t cool with.
Once you are clear on what you require to feel safe, try to be consistent. Don’t move the goal posts just because someone pushes against them (unless, of course, YOU have chosen to make a conscious shift). You have the right to firmly enforce your boundaries—and to cease any sexual encounters at any time (yep, even in the middle of the deed) if you feel like they are not being respected.
3. You don't get your brain on board.
Sometimes during sex, our brain likes to behave as if it’s still in the office. You start thinking about your to-do list, the work deadline that’s coming up, what you’re going to pack in Little Suzie’s lunchbox tomorrow… And in case it’s not obvious yet, this kind of thinking is toxic to your sex life. Your brain is your most important sex organ. If it’s not in the game, you’re going to struggle to experience anything close to bedroom bliss.
You’ll be blown away by how delicious sex can be when you open wide to the possibilities.
If you find that your brain is chugging along like a freight train during sex, it’s time to call on your trusty mindfulness practices. Try taking three deep breaths and focusing only on the sensations of your body. If you need to, let your partner know that you'd like to slow things down a bit. You can even ask them to gently tickle your skin or kiss your neck, etc. Anything that makes your senses tingle is perfect.
4. You walk into the bedroom with expectations.
"First we’ll kiss for a bit, then he’ll throw me on the bed, then he’ll touch my whole body, then he’ll get on top, then we’ll swap, and we’ll have the most beautiful lovemaking session of our life..."
Sound familiar? I’ll admit it. I used to walk into every sexual encounter with a mental list of expectations of how I wanted our lovemaking to unfold, just like this one. When it didn’t go that way, I would roll over disappointed, annoyed, and unsatisfied. The guy would turn to me and say, "Everything OK?" to which I would curtly reply, "Yep, fine!" which was a big fat lie.
At the time, I didn't realize that these expectations were closing me off to incredible possibilities in the moment. My partner and I had no chance to "make magic" while making love because I was too busy making sure all the boxes were ticked.
If you can relate, it’s time to do some serious dabbling in the art of surrender. Release your expectations and focus on connection, alignment, and presence. Get vulnerable with your partner and practice what I like to call CCC—crystal-clear communication—so that you can get on the same page, align your souls, and experience electric unity. You’ll be blown away by how delicious sex can be when you open wide to the possibilities.
Want more details on how to find alignment with your soul mate and have the best sex of your life? Check out Melissa's new book, Open Wide, and check out her mindbodygreen course on how to manifest your dream life.