4 Steps For Clearing Your Head & Staying Calm During An Argument

A fight between two people (lovers, spouses, family members) is a kind of psychological battle often filled with personal attacks, accusations, and dredging up past mistakes. When both parties are exhausted, or one grudgingly concedes, the fight ends—for the moment. But nothing has changed; resentment has just gone underground until it's dug up again, and hostilities soon resume.

But it needn't be this way. There's a little-known "magic" that can stop any fight in the moment and helps prevent the next one from getting started. It's the result of what we can call "relationship jujitsu."

Jujitsu is an ancient Japanese martial art based in "the art of yielding." The combatants use special "moves" to turn an opponent's energy back on them. But here, I'm using the term psychologically, where the opponent isn't a person you're fighting. The true "opponent" to be overcome is a negative, lower level of consciousness in each of you that blames the other for the punishing pattern you're both caught up in.

To apply "relationship jujitsu," at least one of you must see you're about to mindlessly repeat some old cruel pattern that has no winner. So, instead of acting from the negative energy you feel—having seen the futility of throwing it at the other person who will only throw it back at you—you do something completely new: Rather than try to "prove" you're right, you use the moment to discover something about yourself that will help transform not only you but maybe the other person as well!

Being upset with someone tends to block self-awareness. All you see is someone you believe is "making" you feel bad. They are responsible for the negativity you feel. But the true cause lies in unseen expectations you brought to the moment that aren't being met; this means your own demands are a big part of the problem between you.

When you resist another's negative state, you just make them more negative. Instead, meet people differently with this inner request: "What can I learn about myself from you?" It makes a huge difference in what comes up in you and what you can learn about yourself as a result. For example, suppose you're out with your partner for what should be a romantic dinner, but your partner is in a foul mood. His irritation triggers a corresponding reaction in you that wants to accuse him of ruining the evening. But instead, you turn your attention back on yourself, allowing you to see—on the spot—that you and your partner are actually the same—both reacting with negativity to a moment you don't like. This realization empowers you to take a conscious step back so that instead of punishing him from a position of imagined superiority, you meet him with real understanding of the pain you both carry.

When we're hurt by someone, we try to make them change. But, it's not in our power to change anyone.

In moments of conflict, catch the divisive belief that "You are different from me." This allows us to capture the surging negative energy and turn it around so instead of driving us further apart, it draws us closer through our deeper understanding of ourselves and each other.