The Reasons I Expect Nothing From My Husband
I don't expect anything from my husband. I don't expect him to wash the dishes, to play with our kids, to pay the bills, or to take out the trash. Now, before you write me off as crazy, read another paragraph or two. What I'm about to say may change your marriage for the better.
See, I don't believe in conventional gender roles. I don't think women should be submissive to their husbands. I believe that marriage is a partnership. It is a balance of power built on unconditional love. I don't expect my husband to know what I need without my telling him. How could he? I don't expect him to act a certain way if that's not who he is. I don't even expect him to love me. Instead, I show him love. I ask him for what I need. And I trust him without expectation.
So what does a marriage void of expectations look like? It's sometimes fun, sometimes messy, sometimes easy, often passionate, and occasionally hard. But it is always authentic, liberating, and beautiful. Let me explain a little more about how our expectations trip us up.
1. Expectations mire us in either the past or in the future.
The definition of expectation is "a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future." The expectations that we create for ourselves and for others are based on what we have experienced in the past. They are based on hurts, failures, achievements, beliefs, and traumas that we have lived through. To rephrase—expectations are the result of us using our past to predict our future. As such, they completely take us out of the here and now. When you can remove expectations, you become more mindful and reap the benefits of living in the present.
2. Expectations set us up for failure and pain.
My husband is a human, a person who makes mistakes and forgets things, who feels sad, happy, excited, overwhelmed, and angry; a perfectly imperfect human—just like me. Whenever we set an expectation that our partners don't meet, we feel let down. We've set them up to disappoint us and set ourselves up to be hurt. Expectations don't allow for the variability of life. I don't want my husband to be anxious or insecure about failing to meet my expectations. I hope that he feels comfortable and at ease. Only when we feel that way with our partner we can be authentic, vulnerable, and intimate.
3. Expectations can lower self-esteem.
Do you remember the last time you didn't meet someone's expectation? That time you thought you'd exceeded your boss' standards, only to be told you missed a deadline? How about that time your parents told you, "I expected more from you." If you're like 99 percent of humans, you probably beat yourself up, going over and over all the things you could've done differently. Yes, you probably grew from the failure—but you would have grown regardless.The expectation merely tainted the learning experience. The expectations that burdened you caused the self-doubt and hurt you struggle with. Why would you want this for yourself or your partner?
4. Unmet expectations cultivate resentment.
We should all have healthy boundaries that teach others how to treat us. Should we have expectations for how they treat us? Absolutely not. Expectation is a breeding ground for disappointment and resentment. Holding on to resentments is one of the most destructive things you can do in a relationship.
It's easy to feel trapped if you're under the impression you must constantly strive to meet the expectations of others. Loneliness and hurt will become the norm if you continue to place expectations on other people.
So, today I challenge you to open yourself up to the freedom that comes from releasing your expectations of yourself, your friends, your family, your coworkers, and your partner.
Valerie Kolick, M.A. is a trained neuro-psychotherapist, relationship expert, coach and creator of the groundbreaking Neurotransformation process. With over two decades of expertise in brain-based, heart-centered transformation, healing and relationships, she helps women reignite passion and connection with their partner (and with themselves) so they feel loved, adored and create abundance in all areas of their lives.