We Each Have A Shadow Self — And It Could Be Sabotaging Your Relationship

Famous psychoanalyst Carl Jung coined the term to refer to the unconscious parts of ourselves that we don’t identify with. In other words, these are the parts of us that remain hidden and unknown to ourselves. Have you ever had a friend with a bad habit they are clueless about, but everyone else notices when your group of friends is together? This is how the shadow works, hidden to the person it belongs to.  

In romantic relationships, our shadow can be responsible for sabotaging an otherwise healthy relationship by breaking it down over time or breaking it up. Why? Even though our shadow may be unconscious to us, our shadow still influences how we think, act, and show up in the world. Have you ever said something and felt complete shock by how searing your words were? Have you ever thought, I don't know what came over me after a fight with your partner?

I call this the "mind-reading trap." You don't want to have to tell your partner what you need. You believe your partner should be so in tune with you that they should be able to figure out what you need. After all, what you need in a relationship is precisely what you give back in your partnership, so for you it's obvious! You wonder why your partner can't just treat you like you treat them. You wait for your partner to pick up on subtle signals or passive-aggressive statements like "it's OK" or "no big deal"—when what you really mean is "I'm not OK" and "this is a big deal."  

You say you want to take your commitment deeper in your current relationship, but really, energetically, you have one toe or maybe even one whole foot out the door. You tell your partner you want more quality time, but you seem to always be busy every time they try to make plans. You want to be exclusive, but you keep in contact with an ex that you have no desire to be with who serves as a confidence booster when you receive their messages.  

You notice the little things like how your partner didn't take out the trash again. Or how they forgot to message you during a break at work. You've had conversations about what you need, and you keep picking apart every moment they make a mistake. You have high standards that are hard for even you to meet, and you find yourself feeling constantly disappointed. It's like death by paper cut in your mind as you catch every tiny misstep along the way.  

Solution: Focus on what is important and recognize what is going right. No one is perfect, and people will make mistakes. The question is, what are the deal-breakers for you? What are you willing to tolerate, and what are you not willing to tolerate? Get clear on the lines in your mind so you focus any feedback on the areas that actually feel most important—not every misstep along the way.

After getting clear on what is important, notice: What is going right in your relationship? Acknowledge your partner more verbally for all the bright moments. Maybe even take up a daily practice of ending your day telling each other one thing they did during the day you are grateful for.