My partner and I went to a wedding recently in LA. I don’t know what was in the punch, but I started to feel full of love and sexual abundance. My hair seemed fuller, my lips felt juicier, and I swear I was turning some heads. I had my partner at my side and my friends all around me. We danced and laughed and made a general ruckus.
That fleeting feeling of vibrancy, freedom, and freshness was magical. I didn't know that version of myself existed, but I felt like I could tap into it again if I only got the ingredients right. So, the day after that wedding I told my partner how my sexual energy had seemed to blossom—how I wanted to try to access it again.
His reaction was perfect—he laughed, clapped his hands, and said, "Wow! At the age of 29, Summer has discovered her sexual power." It was funny. But he didn't trivialize it either. He knew I'd had a breakthrough, and he was happy for me—and totally secure in our relationship. I believe his security is a crucial factor in the freedom I feel to explore my sexuality.
See, I've spent most of my life subduing my sexuality because I was afraid to be noticed that way. I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t
want to be looked at. And if someone had asked me to be seductive, I would've turned beet red.
I grew up with a single dad, who gave me affirmation and positive feedback for excelling in sports, for my strong work ethic, and for my academics. But he wanted me to share things with him that didn't come naturally to me—working on cars, mowing the lawn, moving furniture.
This unique childhood has made me who I am but it has taken some intentional work on my part to cultivate feminine awareness
and sexual vitality. Now, I'm not saying I have it all figured out. But I have accepted this part of myself and begun to find ways to cultivate it. You could say I have learned to mother my own femininity. And this process has radically changed my life.
It's never too late to embrace your sexual energy. Here are the steps that helped me get there—I hope they help you, too.
1. Practice self-care.
This is an obvious one but definitely a biggie. Do you make time for self-care? It was hard work for me to establish a self-care practice, but I'm so glad I did. Recently, I developed an abhyanga practice. Abhyanga is an ayurvedic practice focused on self-massage. What started as a way to loosen up my muscles and heal joint pain has turned into a ritual that taught me to love my body in a whole new way. I oil massage naked, looking at myself in the mirror. Throughout the ritual, I send love to my body.
You could choose to focus on all the things you don’t love about your body, or you could use this opportunity to appreciate your strong, beautiful self.
I personally love my hands, so I focus on my hands in the mirror and watch them as they send healing oil to my skin, muscles, and bones.
2. Invest in a yoni egg.
While it might not be something you ever thought you'd buy, the egg is something I think every woman should own. It's a great way to explore your own arousal while strengthening the pelvic floor. If you want to be in control of your own pleasure and have mind-blowing orgasms, a yoni egg can help you bring awareness to your own sensations.
Until recently, I was afraid to touch myself and relied entirely on my partner to take control of that discovery. While that can work fine if you're partner's OK with it, it certainly limits your options and your awareness of your own potential for arousal and pleasure.
When you practice with your yoni, also focus on your breath. It’s the easiest way to gauge sensations, muscular contractions and comfort level. If you’re uncomfortable you may hold your breath. Take note of these things and adjust accordingly, so you're always in control (until, you know, you don't want to be anymore).
3. Balance your hormones and the rest will follow.
Balancing your hormones will help you equalize your energy, skin health, gut health, and desire. Take note of your menstrual cycles. Are they on time? Do they affect your mood or your skin? I’m constantly trying to learn from my body. I know my hormones aren't static—they change based on environment and age.
I've learned that it's important for me to avoid sugars, bread, and coffee around the time of my period to keep my adrenals steady. I’ll also load up on green juices and healthy fats and use that time to foster more reflective energy rather than filling my schedule with social activities and boxes to check off. That quiet energy gives me the rest and inspiration I need to work on creative projects and continue to be the best version of myself.
4. Be spontaneous.
I’ve heard from so many girls who try to appear to be someone's "perfect" partner. But what would happen if you spent more time truly learning to love and honor your true self in the present and less time trying to mold yourself into someone else's version of the future?
I recently traveled to Barcelona by myself for work. The spontaneity of that culture is contagious. I walked everywhere, got lost on purpose, and tried something new every day. While my partner was in LA, I was engaging in friendly energetic exchanges with men and women across Spain.
I don’t know if it was Spanish culture, but our conversations led to free meals, coffees, and rides across the city night and day. People were even carrying my luggage; security guards in the metro escorted me to platforms. It was an amazing kind of contagious energy. I also noticed that by allowing myself to open up to strangers, my sexual energy was constantly buzzing. When I realized this, I initially felt guilty.
The delicate line of friendly conversation, flirtation, and invitation is something we all experience and respond to differently, but I was open with my partner about what I felt while it was happening, and I intuitively felt that by engaging in a transfer of harmless sexual energy on a daily basis, I was fueling our own partnership with a new sense of self. And it honestly worked!
How can you live in the present and find a spark of spontaneity every day? It doesn’t need to be a trip to Spain. Can you walk instead of drive? Take yourself to a movie? Go to an art walk with a friend on the other side of town? Maybe it’s making time for nothing and seeing what unfolds for you.