How To Make People Fall In Love With You, In Three Simple Steps (They're Not What You Think)

Photo by Thais Ramos Varela

In this era of glossy, photoshopped feeds, it's easy to believe we also need to be perfect in order to be lovable. For many years, I bought into this myth. I worked hard (in my secret perfectionist ways, of course) to have the right outfit, a rock-hard body, flawless skin, that perfectly highlighted ombre and just-slightly-messy-lived-in hair, all the while being an easygoing “guys’ girl" that doesn’t make waves.

I had plenty of relationships but couldn’t figure out why heart-thumping, sensual, spirit-affirming love and deep intimacy seemed just beyond my grasp. After a painful break-up led to a painful breakdown, I began to question everything I knew to be true.

So I connected with a powerful spiritual teacher that had radical information that isn’t in books and hands that heal. He pushed me to look deep inside myself to illuminate limiting beliefs that were wreaking havoc on my life.

There were three critical steps on my journey.

Step one: Mimic the trees.

l learned perfection is an illusion that doesn’t exist in the natural world. A tree isn’t perfectly straight, a flower isn’t perfectly symmetrical, so how or why could you or I be perfect if we too are from the natural world? Attempting to be something that doesn’t exist has us walking around in a constant state of judgment toward ourselves. If we don’t feel like we are good enough just as we are, we unconsciously begin to prove, perform, and pretend, driven by the belief that if we are the most “perfect” versions of ourselves, then we will be loved.

The reality is quite the opposite.

When you accept yourself with your unique quirks, irrational fears, and all the things you think are unlovable, you actually become quite lovable. The willingness to show the whole complexity of who you are—the dark and the bright—creates an access point to your heart. People will be drawn to it. They won't necessarily be conscious to why they feel so good in your presence; they’ll just know that they love who they are when they’re around you, because when you give yourself permission to be vulnerable, you give them permission to do the same.

I was amazed to find that as I changed my inner world, the world around me changed. If you told me at 28 I’d have way more quality guys after me at 38, I would’ve that thought you were drunk or downright crazy. But that’s exactly what happened when I began to accept myself with all of my perceived flaws and started redirecting all of my precious life force energy I’d been investing in my attempt to be perfect to exploring what I’m truly passionate about.

Step two: Become a beginner.

Of course, acceptance sounds easy in theory, but that perfection programming that has us walking around in a constant state of judgment is really a doozy. The energetic vibration of fear and self-criticism is so dense that it blocks the light, fast frequency of creative passion that is the lifeblood of the human experience and the secret to knowing yourself, loving yourself, and having the courage to be yourself.

On my path, I received a key that liberated me from this prison of perfection. It was so simple yet so revolutionary; my mind almost couldn’t make sense of it.

I learned that I don’t have to be “perfect” to participate, create, or speak my truth. I simply need to be the beginner. The beginner isn’t supposed to know anything in the first place, so the beginner can never fail. To quote zen master Shunryo Suzuki, “In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.”

After 11 years of writing nothing besides email and maybe the occasional thank-you letter, I gave myself permission to be the beginner and began to write. I was amazed that by simply suspending judgment, an entire novel poured out of me. Then it was as if a wildfire caught a tailwind: creative passion tore through my life, ripping up any and everything that wasn’t aligned with permission, passion, and purpose. I began to play guitar, sing and write songs, paint paintings, perform improv, and dance burlesque.

This radical act of giving myself permission to create and express created an unexpected cascade of spiritual shifts in my life. The creativity revealed my authenticity to me by demanding me to be vulnerable and restored a sense of integrity I’d lost somewhere along the way.

The effects were also stark throughout my personal life: When you embrace your authenticity and give yourself permission to pursue your passions, you no longer vibrate in need or lack. There’s nothing more attractive than someone inspired by their own creations and at peace with the fact that they are perfectly imperfect. It’s like catnip.

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Step three: Light yourself.

Despite society promoting that net worth equates to self-worth, I found that planting everyday seeds of authenticity, vulnerability, and integrity in my life allows me to look in the mirror—with my cooked nose and creases around my eyes, navigating the different challenges of my life—and not just accept myself but genuinely like myself.

When you are inspired by your own (imperfect) life and lit up by your own creations, not only does it ground you in belief in yourself regardless of what anyone else is doing, but it is absolutely, humanly, physically, spiritually, cosmically impossible to others to not be drawn to that light.

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