A Psychotherapist On How To Be There For Your Black Friends Right Now

With protests and conversations around racism sweeping across the world, many people might be rightfully concerned about the well-being of their black loved ones right now. But how can you express your concern or offer support to those close to you in these emotionally charged times?

"Reaching out to ask 'how are you' is rarely a productive conversation starter," Francis explains. "And it can put extra pressure on your black friends to describe their pain to you in an already overwhelming and traumatic time. Racism isn't new, and for black people's pain to be suddenly spotlighted once there is national outcry, doesn't make the check-in feels supportive. It just acts as a contrast to all the times in the past their pain wasn't acknowledged."

Assume your black friends aren't doing well and are coping as best as they can, she says. Instead, try sending a message simply letting them know you're thinking of them.

Don't reach out to your black friends to pour out all your own feelings about how overwhelmed, heartbroken, frustrated, or infuriated you are about the situation. The black people in your life are likely dealing with their own feelings about it—in addition to the feelings of being themselves targeted by racist violence and hate. Assume they don't have the space to support you and your feelings right now.

"Be clear that you are not expecting a response back, and then return to doing the work," says Francis.

Black people are getting inundated with messages and information about what's happening around the world right now, and it can be extremely overwhelming. If you're reaching out, let them know that there's no pressure for them to pay attention to you right now if they don't have the space or capacity. The point is simply to let them know that you're there if they do need you.

Leave the door open for them to talk more about it with you if they want, but don't ask them to participate in a conversation unless they elect to.

Additionally, asking questions like "What can I do?" may "feel like an ask for more labor from a person who is already tired," Francis adds. Instead, you can try asking: Can I do something for you right now?

If your friend responds and seems interested in engaging in a conversation with you or receiving support from you, Francis recommends focusing primarily on listening.

"It is important to lead with listening because there is a lot to learn about another person's experience of race, and until you listen, you cannot understand," she says. "Empathy is the process of being able to connect with the emotional experience of another person. While this is hard to do for identities we do not hold (we cannot truly know how it feels to be another race or gender or orientation, etc.), we can listen for the emotion words used."

Listening and empathy might look like reiterating and validating the emotions your friend is expressing to you. For example, Francis recommends lines like That sounds like a terrifying experience.

"You don't have to pretend to know what to do about systemic racism," she adds. "In the moment you can focus on supporting and nurturing your partner as they work through their feelings."

"Your actions will matter more than your words," Francis says.

Supporting your black friends emotionally is important. Actually taking direct action to support social change is equally if not more important.