Exactly How To Ask For The Sex You Really Want
Wish your partner would do something different in the bedroom, like try a new position, adjust their pace, or touch you just so? Communicating these desires to your partner can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but just remember that when it comes to what goes on in the boudoir, YOU are in charge of your own pleasure. Here are some powerful strategies you can use to be your own pleasure advocate and ask for what you want during sex:
1. Embrace the discomfort.
It might sound like a no-brainer, but if you want something to change, you have to ask first! I can’t tell you the number of women (and men) I’ve encountered who have put up with years—even decades—of lackluster sex, simply because they’ve been unwilling to endure the discomfort of broaching the subject with their partner.
Wouldn’t you want your partner to tell you if there was a way you could blow their mind? If you said, "Hell yes!" you can bet that your partner feels the exact same way. This reticence is not serving either of you. So get comfortable with getting a little uncomfortable. A few moments of minor awkwardness can lead to a lifetime of enhanced pleasure.
Your pleasure is your responsibility, so be proactive about it.
2. Read the room.
If you’re suggesting a change of pace or position, asking during the act is totally fine. But if you’re springing something completely new on your partner, mid-deed is probably not the best time to ask.
Instead, start a loving conversation at a time when you’re both feeling comfortable and connected...and clothed! Maybe you do so over dinner, when you're out for a walk, or during a date. That way, you will be able to give your partner the space and stress-free environment they need to process and respond to your request without feeling pressured.
3. Be positive and proactive.
Your pleasure is your responsibility, so be proactive about it. It’s far more constructive to say to your partner, "Can you please get on top, babe?" than it is to feel resentful throughout the deed, give them the silent treatment afterward, and eventually explode with "You’re so lazy—you never bother to get on top anymore!"
Your partner is not a mind reader. So if you would like them to go faster or slower, harder or softer, you need to speak up and tell them—or give them a helping hand and show them.
4. Be specific but not picky.
It’s one thing to ask them to move a little to the left. It’s another thing entirely to demand they move 37 degrees southwest while maintaining a 12-pumps-per-minute speed ratio. After all, much of the magic of sex is found in the unplanned and unexpected moments, so don’t let your desires become rigid rules that shut you off from presence, connection, and possibility.
5. Be forgiving.
"Perfect" sex doesn’t exist. Limbs get in the way, sheets get tangled, bodies make strange noises, etc. The magic is in the mess of it. So if your partner doesn’t do precisely what you like, even though you’ve asked repeatedly, midsession is NOT the time to close down and get angry and frustrated.
Your best bet? Forgive them for their forgetfulness, surrender to the moment, and commit to having a conversation later on in a less pressure-filled situation…preferably when you’re both clothed and thinking clearly.
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6. Be respectful.
There is always a possibility that what you desire may not be desirable to your partner. It may even make them feel unsafe. In these instances, respecting your partner’s boundaries is imperative. Mind-blowing soulful sex cannot happen if one party feels coerced, unsafe, or disrespected. And just because you’ve been brave enough to articulate your desire does NOT mean your partner must comply. (A relationship is not a dictatorship, and the bedroom is no place to act entitled.) If your suggestion has not been met with enthusiasm, consider exploring alternative options that allow you both to feel excited and turned on.
7. Be generous.
If you’ve made a request of your partner, reciprocate with a whole heart. How can you blow their mind? What can you do to enhance their experience? How can you make them feel seen, heard, and held? Remember, there’s no "I" in sex. Soulful sex is a team sport.
8. And finally, look for the warning signs...
If you’ve calmly and respectfully voiced your desires, and your partner seems to have no interest in acknowledging your sexual pleasure, it can be a red flag that they’re not the one for you. I’m a firm believer in the idea that how we do one thing in life is a reflection of how we do everything, and selfishness in the boudoir can signal that someone is not really into the relationship and doesn’t consider you their equal.
Only you can be the judge of this, but listen to your intuition. It’s your strongest guiding force, and it's rarely wrong when it comes to matters of the heart.