4 Simple Ways To Stay Calm During Stressful Parenting Moments

We've all been there. Your kid isn't listening to you, or they give you lip, or they just won't stop doing something they're not supposed to be doing—and you're on your last nerve. You know there are a million and one reasons you shouldn't snap or yell at your child, but man, the urge is there.

Let's say your morning is going less than smoothly: Your kids are taking forever to get ready, and you already know you're all going to be late—them for school and you for work. You might think you need to go upstairs and directly tell the kids that they've got to get their act together and be more respectful of your time. But Brackett says these conversations to address conflicts and find solutions should not happen right in the heat of the moment while the conflict is playing itself out.

"Our brains are not ready for that. When we are activated, our brains—our cognitive areas of our brain, the problem-solving parts of our brain, the critical thinking parts of our brain, ability to have calm, reflective discussion parts of our brain—just don't work," he explains. "Don't even bother trying to have the conversation right now. Until you've calmed down, until you're in a relaxed state, you're really not going to be able to do some really interesting problem solving and having intimate discussions."

Whenever you're in the thick of a stressful situation where your urge is to lash out, Brackett recommends taking a "meta-moment."

A meta-moment is essentially a pause. In his recent book on understanding emotions, Permission To Feel, he describes it as "hitting the brakes and stepping out of time" to have a "moment about a moment." In practice, this means that when you feel yourself about to explode, you stop and take a step outside of that experience to observe and acknowledge what's happening. Notice that you're angry or overwhelmed or feeling defensive or whatever it may be, and that your brain is activated, and that your instinct right now is to go off on your family. When you can observe that experience, then you can more easily remember your emotional management tools.

How do you usually respond when you're stressed out and riled up? Do you tend to express your frustration by banging your hands on the table? By storming out of the room? By saying harsh things in a slow, quiet voice? What kind of language do you use?

"When you're not in that state, just do a little journaling or a little review," Brackett recommends. "Pretend you're a filmmaker and say, OK, the last 10 times I have been angry or frustrated or stressed, what have been my go-to automatic ways of dealing with my emotions?"

Breathing is a healing salve for a stressed-out brain. Brackett explains in his book that taking a deep, slow breath activates your parasympathetic nervous system, which reduces your cortisol levels and "naturally lowers our emotional temperature."

"You have to rely on breathing. Your automatic response to a trigger has gotta be to pause and take that breath so that you can build a space to not react impulsively but respond in a helpful way," he tells me. "When we are activated, that thinking part of our brain doesn't turn on, so that's why we've gotta make it a habit to go from activation to breath."