5 Major Fears That Kill Relationships
Do you feel like you have to be perfect in order to avoid being rejected? Do you become clingy or demanding when you feel someone pulling away? Do you panic when you don't receive an immediate response to a text, email, or voice mail? And do you try to avoid some of these fears by numbing them with food or just a few cocktails?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are likely in the grip of one of five major (and all-too-common) relationship fears. Each of these fears can lead to specific and damaging behaviors that are likely to sabotage your relationships — even as you are struggling to maintain and strengthen your connections.
Our minds are powerful. Clinging to destructive thoughts and fears can often lead us into vicious cycles of self-doubt, so it's up to us to intervene in these cycles when we notice they are happening. That way, we prevent our fears from dictating our behaviors, and leading to further insecurity.
The first step toward change is understanding these fears — and the behaviors that are associated with them. Here's an explanation of five major fears that are likely to destroy your relationships. Get to know them, because knowledge is power, and it's the most essential ingredient for personal growth, both in and out of relationships.
1. "He/she is going to leave me."
Do you sense that the people you need for support and connection are unstable or unreliable? Maybe they are, and it's important to trust your gut if you feel like you're not being properly supported by your friends and family members or by your partner.
But ask yourself if you are truly feeling unsupported, or if you are reacting to a deep fear of abandonment.
If you fear abandonment, you likely have such thoughts as these: People who love me will leave me or die. No one has ever been there for me. The people I've been closest to are unpredictable. In the end I will be alone.
You have a tendency to over-generalize and read into the behaviors of those around you. As a result of your victim mindset:
- You may become clingy.
- You may start arguments consciously or unconsciously to test the relationship. (This can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy — you push others away so often that they do leave you).
- You get involved with people who are unavailable (e.g., they live in a different location, they are in another relationship, you have incompatible schedules, and so on).
- You avoid relationships so you can't be abandoned.
2. "I'm just know I'm going to get hurt."
If you grew up in an environment in which you felt unsafe, didn't trust the people close to you or were abused, you are likely to identify with this perpetual fear of getting deeply hurt.
Your circuitous thought patterns may include ones like these: I always get hurt by the people close to me. People will take advantage of me if I don't protect myself. People I trust abuse me. So as a result of your doom-and-gloom attitude:
- You are constantly on guard for any sign of betrayal or abuse.
- You suspect an ulterior motive when you are on the receiving end of a kind gesture.
- You find it difficult, if not impossible, to be vulnerable.
- You are accommodating and compliant as a way to prevent others from getting angry.
- You lash out at others as a way to protect yourself from the abuse you expect.
- You avoid getting close to others because you fear they will hurt you.
- You avoid relationships because you can't trust anyone.
3. "He/she won't be there for me when I need him/her."
When you lack emotional support, attention, affection, guidance or understanding as you're growing up, you probably also anticipate emotional deprivation in your adult life. With this fear come such thoughts as: I don't get the love that I need. I don't have anyone in my life who really cares about me or meets my emotional needs. I don't feel emotionally connected to anyone.
As a result of feeling like you're always going to be lonely:
- You become angry and demanding when you don't get what you need.
- You are drawn to people who don't express their emotions, as they reinforce your isolation.
- You don't open up to others in anticipation of being disappointed by their response (e.g., lack of validation or interest).
- You resent others automatically because you aren't getting the love and understanding that you need.
4. "I'm not good enough."
If you feel that you are bad, unworthy, defective or unlovable, your thoughts may include: If people really knew me they would reject me. I am unworthy of love. I feel shame about my faults. I present a false self because if people saw the real me they wouldn't like me. As a result of your feelings of inadequacy:
- You are drawn to people who are critical of you.
- You criticize others.
- You hide your true self.
- You demand reassurance.
- You have difficulty hearing criticism.
- You compare yourself unfavorably to others.
5. "I'm a failure."
The final major fear that can capsize your relationships stems from the belief that failure is inevitable, or that you don't measure up to your peers because you aren't as smart, talented or successful.
In this case, you may have thoughts that include: Most of my peers are more successful than I am. I am not as smart as other people in my life. I feel ashamed that I don't measure up to others. I don't possess any special talents. As a result of your extreme self-doubt:
- You avoid discussions or situations where comparisons to others would be made.
- You allow others to criticize you or minimize your accomplishments.
- You minimize your talents or potential.
- You hide your true self for fear of being found a failure.
- You judge and criticize others.
The good news is that these fears don't have to continue to sabotage your relationships. The first step toward making the change to feel nourished and supported by your relationships is awareness. You can first empower yourself by identifying your qualms — and their associated thoughts and behaviors. From there, you can bring an increased level of mindfulness into your life, and begin to shift your habits.
So stop right now, and bring yourself to the present moment. Recognize that your fears and the thoughts they trigger are transporting you back to a past experience or mindset that has given you distorted lens. So don't react immediately, as your reaction, too, will be distorted.
Allow yourself time to harness your desire for change and personal growth. Digest your thoughts and feelings without a need to control or judge them. Once that emotional storm has passed, and you can recognize that this present situation may have nothing to do with the fears you are projecting onto it, then you can respond in a way that is helpful — not harmful — to your current relationship.
Michelle Skeen, PsyD, is a therapist and the author of Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships (New Harbinger, 2014). For more information, visit www.LoveMeDontLeaveMe.com.