There is nothing worse than feeling that we are always anxious around the person we love the most in the world. Our peacefulness turn into a strong attachment towards protecting ourselves if we have lived some emotional and trust betrayal in the past.
Trust is the number one value each individual wants his partner to have in a relationship. Endless questions arise when we are starting a long term committed relationship: How can I know that I can trust you to be sexually and emotionally faithful to me? To be there for me when I am hurt? To never leave me? and so on.
And yet... a little voice deep inside you tells you that there is a possibility that this person is very trustworthy. Maybe, you can even restore the relationship you have, maybe you can build a stronger bond with your partner and maybe you can finally feel so safe and trust the process of life at all times.
Trust derives from a strong belief in our inner strengths, in our actions and in our values. Believing that we will never abandon our inner needs is a very big step towards building trust towards the self first.
When we are afraid of trusting ourselves, we get clouded with all the possibilities that could go wrong in our relationships, in our lives and in the universe.
Jim Rohn said: “You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of."
So, do you want to spend the rest of your life scared and anxious or do you want to live your life with trust?
Here are some tools that I have found to be so useful in my personal life and that I would like to share with you today:
1. Trust in yourself first.
Write down all the values that you absolutely love about yourself and the morals that you would like to abide by in your life. Then, create a list of small actions that you can take based on your list and make an oath to yourself to accomplish them no matter what blocks your way.
Ask yourself, How do I know when I’ve got trust? What do I need to see in front of me and what do I need the person to do so I can trust? Then, ask for what you need without holding any expectations.
3. Build awareness.
Acknowledge what scares you if things go wrong and be aware of the emotional state of your partner whether it was something positive or negative. How do they look like in this positive or negative state? What are they doing? What do they need from me? Ask a lot and a lot of questions until you feel you are understanding your partner.
4. Turn towards emotion.
When you notice that your partner is going through something, choose to offer help and support instead of turning away from them. For example, if your partner looks angry about something, don’t ignore them because it’s your down time. Instead, ask them of what is bothering them and how can you help make them feel better. The same thing is applied for yourself as well. Turn towards your feelings instead of finding distractions to ignore them.
5. Tolerate differences.
We all come from different backgrounds and we have different psyches which create a unique worldview for each individual. Accepting and respecting the other person’s worldview without being defensive is a key to live in harmony in your relationships.
6. Let go.
When we are scared, we often wear shields to protect ourselves from being hurt. Yet, deep inside we know that there is no way to avoid pain in our lives. We can’t understand joy without pain and we can’t understand our partners needs when we are defensive. So, let go of your guards and see what’s out there for you. You might be really surprised with how things unfold!
7. Empathize with others.
Open your heart to what is already there, to the happiness and sorrow of yourself, to the joy and pain of others. Put your heart in other people’s hearts so you can truly understand where they are coming from and what is triggering what is happening in the moment. Again, this all starts with having empathy towards yourself first.
8. Forgive and be compassionate.
You do mistakes too! Whether you like it or not, that’s part of our human nature. Each person has his own path, his own lessons to take away from this world. True, some mistakes are more harmful than others but when we build empathy and compassion towards our human nature, we understand that they were all triggered by a very deep pain we have within us. When we are not aware of the deep root causes of this pain, everything around us become fuzzy. Mistakes are keys to growth, to having a better and happier life.
Live moment by moment today. The monkey mind is addicted to the past experiences or to the wild future. Training our mind to become aware of the right here right now, reduces a lot of the anxieties and resentment we have built up throughout our lives.
10. Use positive language.
The Cerebral brain, also called the Neo-cortex is about 1 and half to 2 and half million years old and it occupies the majority of the brain cavity. It has the capacity to construct and build future visuals. So when we are using a negative language when we speak such as: “Don’t spill milk!“ the brain is going to construct an image of the milk being spilled on the floor. So, using positive language instead of negative serves us to help ourselves and the person we are speaking with to know what we want instead of what we don’t want, to be more confident and to avoid TONS of arguments.
11. Practice trust.
Trust is like playing a song on the piano for the first time. We need to practice it so many times until we master it completely and the same is applied for trust. Set daily goals for yourself and practice practice practice ….
Exercise: Imagine that in 20 years from now, some magic is going to happen in your life and everyone, including yourself is sharing amazing love, openness and trust. How would you be interacting with the people around you? What values and benefits does TRUST bring into your life? Who are you when you are completely trusting? How do you know when you’ve got it?
Share in the comments any insights or experience you’ve had to attract trust in your life.