Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Question: After the death of my husband, am entering a new relationship, with a very caring and loving man. For the first time in 12 years, I am going to make love with someone. What do I do? I've lost touch! What can I do to make things pleasurable for both of us?
You don't have to have a Ph.D. in sex to make it good. Most men don't need a woman to be swinging off the chandeliers naked or performing like a porn star in order to have fun. That kind of pressure, self-doubt, self-judgment, and fear has no place in the bedroom. One of the best ways to heal from trauma is through orgasms—multiple orgasms.
So, relax. It's going to be fine. Here are two tantric exercises that might help you experience multiple orgasms with your new partner.
This 12-year gap has probably made you a bit disconnected from your own body, desires, and sexuality.
One way to reconnect is through sacred masturbation. Rediscover your body; rediscover what turns you on. You might even learn that something new turns you on. Before you get under the sheets with him, I want you to get under the sheets with yourself.
Here's some homework for you:
You can try my Jade Egg Program—14-day online course that teaches you (among other things) how to have multiple orgasms, how to perform a yoni (vagina) massage, and tantric breast massage on yourself, and how to unleash your inner goddess.
Here are the basics of tantric yoni massage.
1. Set a sexy scene.
Set up a sexy date for just you, yourself, and I. Dim your lights, put on music that makes you feel sexy, light some candles, and get some coconut oil handy.
2. Try the Bliss Breath.
There are many different types of breath work used in tantra. But bliss breath is a great way to circulate your feminine energy throughout your body. Constrict the back of your throat, inhale and hear a whispering sound, and then exhale and release that sound again. You want to continually take deep, slow, and audible breaths.
3. Get in touch with your body.
A great warm-up is to give yourself the tantric breast massage lying on your back on your bed or wherever you're comfortable. You want to start with a featherlike touch on your thighs. Then move up to your hips and belly, eventually circling your breasts. Tease yourself slowly to build arousal and start feeling comfortable in your skin again.
4. Start with these techniques.
If you're out of practice with how to please a man, it's a safe bet you might also be out of practice with how to please yourself. Try these five moves to help awaken your sexuality.
Circle the head of your clitoris with the tip of your finger and vary from smaller circles to larger ones. Also, vary the pressure from a featherlike touch to pushing down stronger.
Push down on the clit and make small push-and-pull strokes, and then slide your finger down the shaft of the clitoris. The shaft can sometimes be just as sensitive as the clit.
Pull the clitoris away from the body by grasping at the sides and tugging back and forth. You can also move lower and tug the sides of the lips. To roll the clit, start by holding it firmly and rolling between the thumb and the index finger—kind of like you're making a tiny violin motion with your fingers.
Use one or more fingers to tap the clit in varying rhythms from fast to slow.
Let go of the past and connect with your future.
The first time having sex after 12 years might awaken more than just your sexuality. It can bring up a lot of intense emotions and even reawaken the trauma you must have felt from losing your spouse.
I don't say this to scare you; in fact, I want you to lean into it. Acknowledge to both yourself and your new partner that there might be tears and feelings of grief, loss, or sadness. This is normal. It's OK. It will pass. The death of your husband was a trauma, and you have to truly let go of that in order to let a new man's energy in.
A big part of tantric healing is the way it teaches us to let go of the past and focus on the present. A great way to be more present with your new partner is to try to this tantric meditation together.
1. Avoid judgment.
We tend to be in our heads, creating stories about ourselves and/or our partners when we are having sex. We often judge our bodies, our ability to please our partner, or what our "O face" looks like. When trying something new, those judgments and fears can be amplified. The key is to go into this with no judgment and no agenda—just let go and have fun.
2. Breathe together.
Bliss breath is a tantra technique that makes you feel much closer to your partner. It helps you have a deeper tantra experience. To try bliss breath, lightly constrict the back of your throat and take long, slow, deep breaths through your nose. It sounds like a sexy Darth Vader. You can inhale and exhale together to the speed and rhythm of your lovemaking, sometimes fast, and then slowing down to ride the edge of climax longer. Being in sync with our breath can bring you into a trance-like state.
3. Make eye contact.
Intimacy is not just about being naked and engaging in intercourse. Even when you are, you can still hide from true intimacy. As they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. So, try holding eye contact during foreplay and during sex for a prolonged time. It might feel uncomfortable at first and, sure, you might even giggle from the awkwardness, but the benefits far outweigh that initial uncomfortable feeling.
Prolonged eye contact during sex lets you see deep inside the other person and lets them see deep inside you. When people close their eyes during sex, they are often focusing on their own pleasure or thinking of something—or someone—else. Or they are just afraid to be truly connected. Eye contact helps you be fully connected to your own sensations and feelings and to your partner's as well.
4. Try feather-light touching.
Caressing your partner with a feather-light touch is one form of foreplay in tantra. You can run your fingernails gently up and down his arms, his back, his neck, etc. The skin is a powerful and sensitive organ. This is a great way to tease and delay gratification, which helps to build sexual tension and increase your arousal. It also raises the anticipation of sex, which increases dopamine levels in the body. In tantra, foreplay is not about oral sex or heavy making out. It can be gentle, sensual, and loving and still create a magnetic buildup.
5. Practice yab-yum.
Yab-yum is a Tibetan word that translates to "father-mother" and is symbolized as two Buddhas in a seated position with the woman seated on top of the man, straddling him with her legs wrapped around her partner. To get in position, start by sitting up straight, cross-legged in front of each other and look into each other's eyes.
By sitting still, holding the aforementioned eye contact, and breathing in unison, you create an instant and intimate connection. There is no sexual touching involved here, but you do want to use the feather-like touch to caress your partner. The second position has the woman's knees over her partner's legs. In the third position, she straddles him and wraps her legs around him—chest-to-chest, heart-to-heart, and genitals-to-genitals.
We are prolonging intercourse to build up that arousal and tension. I recommend that couples try this position for at least five minutes in the beginning and build up to 10 or 15 minutes. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, a licensed sex and relationship therapist who has studied oxytocin, says, "Oxytocin is a powerful hormone. With the 20-second hug—chest-to-chest—you will feel a rush." Can you imagine what you will feel with 15 minutes of yab-yum?