When It Comes To Sex, How Much DOES Size Matter?

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Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email relationships@mindbodygreen.com.

Question: As a dwarf, my body is smaller in proportion to those of others. I get a lot of negative looks from women, which gives me less confidence to approach a woman and ask her on a date, let alone start a conversation with her. Should I be worried about my small penis size and my ability to please women?

Thank you so much for your question. I know that being a dwarf must come with a whole set of challenges most of us can't begin to understand. Ignorance perpetuates a lack of connection that prevents us from seeing one another as we really are. But even though you have an unusual set of difficulties, the underlying issue is one everyone must face: your own self-confidence.

Whether you're a dwarf, a supermodel, or stand anywhere in between, the only thing that will ever really matter is when you learn to hack your own self-confidence, self-love, and self-value. That will ultimately make the difference and make you attractive to the right people.

I have personally worked with supermodels—people perceived as perfect from the outside—who are deeply unhappy.They self-harm physically or emotionally because they don't believe in their fundamental value. Instead, they feel objectified and disconnected. The same thing is happening to you. You are also being objectified. If you don't have a connection to your core sexual being, other people's perceptions of you will define your perception of yourself.

Your life can only be great when you learn to love yourself. That's the truth whether you're 21 or 71 and no matter your size and shape. Self-respect is fundamental to appreciating your body for exactly what it is. And that confidence attracts people to you.

I'm not just going to give you fluffy motivational advice here, though. Let's get real about penis size. Yes, you need to be confident. Once you exude more confidence, you'll be able to attract partners. In fact, I think you'll be surprised at what you find. But I'm giving you the real real. On a very practical level, if you're interested, you can start using strap-ons and other kinds of tools to increase the sensation for female partners if size becomes an issue. I once worked with a client who had a small penis and regularly used a strap-on. His girlfriend had screaming orgasms every time.

If the strap-on approach isn't for either of you, practice tantric massage and worship the vagina through oral sex and stimulation. In tantra, we view women as goddesses and sex as an act of meditation and prayer. When you love yourself and you approach a goddess to have sex with her, the creativity you can find in giving her pleasure is limitless. Check out our posts on tantric yoni massage and tantric breast massage techniques.

One of my key coaching methods involves teaching people to flip the script on their deepest insecurities. That's right. I want you to leverage your worst insecurities. Zero f*cks given, baby. The story that could have crushed you, the story that made you think that no one could really love you—once you own that—whew! It'll be the story that makes everyone fall in love with you.

I once stood on a stage and gave a talk about my own sexual healing. Afterward, a trans woman revealed to me that she had held her identity a secret for years and years because she thought that she was a freak and that no one would ever love her. Once she stood on that stage and owned her story, everyone applauded. Everyone loved her for the exact same reason that she lived in the prison of her own mind, screaming in silence, wanting people to accept her. Everyone believes something makes them unlovable.

Simply put, there's a story that's keeping you small. I say, shout that story from the rooftop! No one can accept you until you get up there and own your story. You feel insecure because people stare at you and make all kinds of assumptions, but just start to have an attitude, walk around and say, "Zero f*cks given." Pretty soon you'll find that everyone wants to be your best friend. There's nothing more attractive than someone who gives zero f*cks. And maybe once you start giving zero f*cks, you'll start getting more good f*cks!

And, by the way, when you own your story—when you're confident—you find out really quickly who's on your team. So, own your truth. Value yourself enough that only the people who deserve you get access. That's living with power.

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