Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
6 Reasons You Might Be Too Tired For Sex (And How To Get Your Groove Back)
Question: How can I make my partner understand that after being so burned out and stressed, all I want to do is to find a relaxing, healthy, peaceful sex life through tantra? How can I convince him that we would both benefit from it in the end?
I'm so glad you're interested in learning about tantra, and I know that it will have great benefits for your sex life. You might be surprised to find out that while you are right—that tantra is a more relaxing, healthy, and peaceful way to make love—it can also give you energy and help with stress and burnout.
I think the focus is on the wrong partner here. Instead of trying to get your partner to understand why you're burned out and stressed, let's focus on getting you more energy and less stress through tantra, mindfulness, and a healthy lifestyle. This isn't your partner's problem. This is your problem. But, the good news is, it's fixable.
So, instead of trying to get your partner to interact with you on a lower energy level, let's elevate yours.
First, let's take a look at what could be causing your stress and lack of energy. Everyone should ask himself or herself these six questions if they, too, are feeling too tired for sex.
1. Are you drinking at least eight glasses of water a day?
2. Do you eat unprocessed, healthy, and whole foods?
3. Do you exercise at least three times a week?
4. Are you getting eight hours of sleep a night?
5. Do you have healthy coping tools for when you get stressed out? (Such as meditation or exercise? I'm about to reveal a tantra exercise to do daily.)
6. Do you schedule "me time" for small pleasures throughout your day?
If you answered "no" to most of those questions, therein lies your problem. In tantra, we believe that sex is a reflection of your overall health. You need to physically take care of yourself with a healthy lifestyle in order to have the energy, positivity, and willingness to deal with life's everyday stresses with ease.
Here are some changes men and women in or out of relationships can make instantly to turn this around and live a more tantric lifestyle.
1. Eat for energy.
Cut out processed food, dairy, and sugar, and cut down on alcohol as much as possible. Add in healthier fats, such as avocado and coconut oil. You will see an instant boost in your energy—both inside and outside of the bedroom.
Tantra is all about building your sexual vitality. Exercise will release your orgasmic chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, and testosterone), which increases your sex drive, gives you more energy, and creates more blissful feelings.
Even if it's just taking the stairs instead of the elevator, move your body as much as possible. Hitting the gym or working out at least three times a week is preferred, though. Even when you're tired and it's the last thing you can imagine doing, do it! It's like recharging your battery. It might seem like it's draining your energy, but it'll actually give you a boost.
Once you starting applying tantric practices to the rest of your life and have more energy, your partner will probably be more attracted to you and more willing to explore tantra. You can try my Tantra 101 class, which is for men and women and includes a great workout, OYoga Tantra Foreplay for Couples.
3. Practice tantric breathing.
Now I'm going to give you the real secret sauce. I've taught this to tens of thousands of men and women over the last decade. Without a doubt, the favored technique for overall vitality, health, energy, and sex drive is tantric Yes! Breath. You may feel funny doing it at first, but the results will be worth it.
If you do 30 to 60 seconds (10 to 30 repetitions) of my Yes! Breath every morning, you will feel more energized and empowered, and it will raise your libido. It fills you with all of those yummy happiness chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, which make us feel good. It's like a shot of espresso but without the crash.
Here's how to do it:
Stand up with your fists in the air over your head in the shape of a hockey goal, and take a big inhale. On the exhale, pump your arms down to your sides and exhale with an audible, strong breath and yell, "Yes!" Keep repeating the "Yes!" as if you are claiming with a positive affirmation the happiness, fulfilling sex life, and great life that you desire.
You can practice the Yes! Breath sitting in your chair at an office, at home, or with your partner to build up all those juicy feelings before you have sex.
In tantra, meditation is about diving into pleasure, being present, and slowing down.
Tantric meditation involves tapping into your senses and listening to your body.
Living a tantric lifestyle means you feel like you're making love to everything all the time. One of the ways to do this is to claim small pockets of pleasure throughout the day through micro-meditations that can really fuel you for the rest of your day.
This can be as simple as sitting outside and feeling the sun or wind on your skin, listening to the birds chirp, smelling the flowers or freshly cut grass around you, digging your toes in the sand or some waves, and truly taking in how those sensations feel. As you sit there, take five deep, long breaths until you feel your body react with all five senses.