Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email firstname.lastname@example.org.
Question: My boyfriend knows that I have body insecurities — especially about my butt. But, he's not helping me feel any better. I've told him again and again how I feel. All I ask is that he compliment me. This weekend, I woke up to find him watching a Beyoncé video. I don't want to wake up to Beyoncé's perfect butt. She's the most beautiful woman in the world, so of course that makes me feel insecure. I stormed out of the room because I was so upset. I feel like he should know not to throw that in my face. All he had to do is say that my butt is as good as Beyoncé's or that I look as good as she does.
At the risk of sounding insensitive to your feelings ... Listen, girl — nobody looks as good as Beyoncé. Period. Let's get that out of the way.
Beyoncé is a beautiful woman from the inside out. And while a lot of her beauty comes from inner confidence, there are also the best makeup artists, great lighting, and often Photoshop helping her create that perfect image you envy.
Not to take away from Queen Bey's innate beauty, but the images most of us see (and obsess over) are perfect because of retouching. Even videos can be retouched to make skin look good or to make you look taller and thinner. I'm not saying Beyoncé is all Photoshopped. I'm just saying comparing yourself to any image in the media is not a fair fight.
That said, Beyoncé is a beautiful woman from the inside out because she has confidence. She works really hard to not just look good but to follow her life's passion. When you see her, you see someone with the self-esteem that comes from doing the work it takes to be successful, fit, a good wife, a good mother, and a successful businesswoman. She works her ass off to look the way she does and to be as successful as she is. Can you say the same about yourself?
First, you just need to own it. By that I mean just love yourself the way you are right now. And if the way you are right now is not what you perceive as your best, take steps to work harder to achieve what you want.
I give you a lot of credit for acknowledging your insecurity. It takes a strong woman to admit that. But, I must tell you, this is not about your boyfriend. This is an issue of you not loving yourself. I have news for you: You need to toughen up. The world is not going to change to work around your insecurities, but you can fix this yourself. No one can make you secure but you.
Your boyfriend telling you how great you look won't fix you. You need to dig a lot deeper to deal with that little voice inside you that needs more love and more affirmation, that tells you you aren't good enough. You are good enough. But you can't just say you're insecure and then make it everyone else's job to make you feel better. You have the power to change.
Build self-esteem from within:
Ever notice how some women who might not be technically gorgeous by media standards, or aren't in the best shape, still exude confidence and sexiness? It's because they don't rely on their looks to feel confident, loved, worthy, or sexy. They rely on more important things like being a good person, working hard at their job, giving back to their community, and living a kind life.
When you feel great on the inside, the outward stuff — like the size or shape of your derriere — doesn't matter as much. Put your energy into connecting with your life's purpose and working on what you're passionate about. Build your confidence from what you do and who you are instead of how you look. Turn the jealousy into inspiration. Light a fire under that butt of yours to go get what you want.
Try this confidence-boosting exercise:
The tantra breathing technique Sound Breath is a good place to start. Stand up with your hands in fists and your arms overhead in the shape of a hockey goal above your head as you inhale. On the exhale, you pump your arms down to your sides and exhale with an audible, strong breath that almost sounds like you're saying, "HUH!"
This action connects you to your Shakti — your feminine energy. To connect even more deeply to your Shakti energy, do this breathing technique for up to five minutes every day the morning. It's better than a shot of espresso.
Learn to love your body:
When I turned 40, I could've spent time complaining about what younger models look like on magazine covers, but instead I learned to love myself as I am. I put my big girl pants on. I worked out more, I ate healthier, and I invested in my well-being so I could continue becoming the best version of myself inside and out.
My OYoga classes have been instrumental in helping me and many others achieve both of those goals. It's so empowering. It can help you fall back in love with your body — butt and all! It's also a powerful way to put in that sweat equity that fine-tunes your body. It's such an empowering workout that one of my students said it made her feel like she was shooting rainbows out of her vagina. Now, if Beyoncé represents anything, it's a woman who can shoot rainbows out of her vagina!
Try this magic move:
To feel like a warrior princess, try the OYoga version of mermaid pose. While in the pose, squeeze your Kegel muscles (or your "cookie" as I like to call it), thrust your pelvic bone forward while engaging your glute muscles, and visualize pulling a string from your cookie to your heart to throw the orgasmic Shakti energy over the top of your head.
The bottom line is this: Instead of looking for validation and affirmation from your boyfriend or others, step up to the plate and start making the changes you want. You have to learn to learn to love your ass the way it is or turn it into the ass you want. It's on you.