Our culture loves a quick fix. Conditioned by an educational system to become gold-star addicted, our self-worth is attached to achievement. Our medical system seeks to eradicate symptoms instead of investigating root causes, teaching us to reach for medication to solve everything from headaches to anxiety. So, it's no surprise we sometimes start to think happiness is a result of chasing the carrot, and change is a result of following prescriptions.
But it's not true. Real, sustainable change comes from nourishing our physical bodies, learning to process our thoughts effectively, and attending to our emotional lives with compassion. In other words, lasting change happens when we adopt a holistic approach to healing—one that requires daily commitment and a true desire to engage with the ongoing, multifaceted, mysterious, and ever-changing cycles of our lives.
You might be wondering, "What does ANY of this have to do with improving my sex life?" Well, we're sold the promise of instant happiness by magazines and the Internet—if only we try this one sizzling technique or take that miracle pill.
Before I launch into these suggestions for holistically improving your sex life, I'll jump to the punch line and give you the one fundamental key to great sex: connection and emotional safety. Great sex is about connection to yourself and to your partner. This isn't about emulating what you see in Hollywood or comparing yourself to anyone else.
It's about where the open field in me meets the open field in you—where, with trust and vulnerability and practice, loving partners follow an improvisational dance that has no defined steps and follows no order. It's simply where openness meets curiosity.
As Sue Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight, "Secure bonding and fully satisfying sexuality go hand in hand; they cue off and enhance each other. Emotional connection creates great sex, and great sex creates deeper emotional connection."
Along these lines, here are seven suggestions for improving your sex life: