How To Have The Best Sex Of Your Life, Every Time
As a young woman, nothing mattered to me more than falling in love. I fell in love everywhere, with everyone. It was a six-month cycle, with a new playmate after each loss. This incredible journey, although I would never exchange it for anything, was extremely painful and resulted in my making soul ties with many men I would never have fallen in love with had I given it a moment’s sober thought.
When I got sober seven years ago, it took me a while to build up new habits in my relationships. Contrary to popular belief, you don't just get sober and all of a sudden become a new person. There is structural work to be done. Until I gave up drinking and drugs, I had used sex as a tool to gain power, self-esteem, etc. This, along with many other unhealthy habits, needed to be reworked in order to facilitate fulfilling relationships and amazing sober sex.
Sober sex doesn’t just mean not having sex while drunk.
It means that while I may meet many people who I find attractive at first glance, I get to know people better before making that decision. Once that happens, it’s rare that I would want to sleep with them, not to say anything of dating or marrying them.
When you're drinking, it's difficult to make this distinction. You’re operating with minimal clarity. So, it’s much easier to sleep with someone before you answer key questions you’d otherwise ask. For example:
Is this person someone I could spend my life with?
Does this person want to be in a relationship, or are they looking for a more casual, and sometimes confusing, one-night stand?
Do I really want to share that level of intimacy with this person?
When you’re sober, it’s easy (and feels obvious) to ask these questions.
Yes, choosing the sober route probably means you’ll sleep with fewer people. But that’s a good thing. You’ll learn to be selective and end up creating intimate connections with people you actually value and admire. When I got sober, I found the man of my dreams and we have been together ever since, having amazing, sober sex. Monogamy may not be for everyone, but it’s not really about that. I chose monogamy. You don’t have to. The main objective is the choice itself.
Meditation is key to great sex, but it’s about much more than sex.
It’s about the energy with which you live your life. When you meditate, you contribute to balance. Your well-being ceases to depend on affirmation, attention, and the physical. Great sex becomes like a delicious coffee or a beautiful sunset—it’s a punctuation mark in an already beautiful and fulfilling life.
So, why does mindfulness make sex so much better? Because sex is no longer the point. Before I got into meditation, I wasn’t fully aware of my value. I saw being beautiful and great in bed as my most prized attributes, so I was constantly seeking validation from sex. That’s an addiction in itself.
Mindfulness allows you to get to know your own inherent value.
Sex becomes one lovely part of a much richer whole. By decreasing sex's power in our life, we can increase its pleasure.
Starting a mindfulness practice isn’t difficult. You will need a teacher. But when you find someone you can trust, you will get results quite quickly. I always tell my clients, "If you want what I have, do what I did." This leads not only to much sex but to a life of balance, meaning, satisfaction, and endless joy. Having this kind of life makes me a better lover.
The confidence to take over the world and pursue my real vision rather than finding oblivion through short-lived distractions and infatuations—that’s real power. What’s sexier than that?