How To Heal From Heartbreak & Conquer Your Fear Of Abandonment

“How could he just disappear like that? He promised to marry me,” my client said, as she wiped her tears. Most of us are familiar with betrayal. Partners, friends, and even family members can make a commitment and then disappear.

I had a very close, longtime friend, and eventually our relationship extended into work. I became part of her business team. She constantly made commitments and broke them on a whim. I often ignored it, justifying that maybe she was keeping the bigger picture in mind.

One day, our work relationship ended, with no warning on my end. I confronted her about the broken commitments. She insisted it was all in my head and continued to assure me that she would be there as a friend, no matter what. And then she stopped responding.

When people with whom we share a deep bond with disappear, the immediate reaction is confusion and doubt. We start questioning where we went wrong and whether we should continue to pursue the relationship. Left unexplored, these thoughts can fester into anger, depression, and resentment in the long run.

It’s very natural to want to develop a sense of otherness from people in your life. It's differentiating them from you. But when we actively separate ourselves from people as a response to pain they've caused, we sacrifice our empathy for them. We can no longer relate to them.

Brené Brown said, "Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children. We're hardwired for connection — it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." This very need is often ignored when we blame others and shrug off our own culpability.

“What a jerk!” another friend remarked. “Don’t say that," I squealed. “She’s really supported me, too." My friend muttered something about me being crazy. But there’s logic to this. When relationships go sour, our bad moments become the focal point. In truth, there is good and bad in every relationship.

We all have to love and honor ourselves. That starts with recognizing our own values and acknowledging our priorities. If we don’t set internal standards for what we want and don't want, what we will or won't accept, we unconsciously give people permission to treat us according to their own standards. Once we set and enforce our own boundaries, people will treat us accordingly.

Clinging to memories, doubts, or questions about the people who have abandoned us won’t bring us peace. Certain questions might never be answered. The most loving thing you can do — for both the person who left and for yourself — is to move on. Moving on affirms your worth and your choice to treat yourself as you deserve to be treated.