The Difference Between Standards & Unrealistic Expectations In Relationships

Standards are how you relate to yourself, whereas expectations are how you're relating to another person, according to Paulette Sherman, Psy.D., psychologist and author of Marriage and the Law of Attraction.

"Expectations are about how you hope the other person will respond, and standards are more about knowing yourself and taking care of yourself, while you consciously create your life," she says. As such, reasonable standards reflect your own values in a relationship.

"They stem from who you are and how you want to live your life," Sherman notes. "For example, you have a standard of honesty in a relationship or a standard of respectful communication. A healthy standard is generally a broad principle like honesty, loyalty, or generally keeping your word."

Any sort of expectation beyond your core values and needs, Sherman adds, like "expectations that a partner can read your mind, load the dishwasher just like you do, or have all the same preferences" is not realistic. And, she adds, "would be putting unreasonable expectations on your partner to be your clone."

As therapist and relationship expert Valerie Kolick, M.A., previously writes for mbg, "Whenever we set an expectation that our partners don't meet, we feel let down. We've set them up to disappoint us and set ourselves up to be hurt."

As Sherman notes, virtually every couple will have to learn to manage expectations and compromise. "You grew up differently," she says, "and you may have to compromise on some things and accept those differences in others in order to co-create your lives."

Expectations are bound to happen, which is why it's important to recognize which ones are grounded in valid standards that should be honored and which are simply unrealistic. The theory of the five love languages, for example, is meant to remind couples that they are two separate people who can approach something that seems universal—love—in totally different ways.

"People can work on managing expectations by realizing that their partner is a separate person, and they make their own choices in life," Sherman tells mbg. "You don't necessarily need to lower your standards for yourself, and it's OK to have a few standard essentials when choosing a mate too."