Times certainly have changed when it comes to sex. Today's modern sexuality is influenced by many factors which even 10 years ago just weren't feasible. Life after divorce, increased visibility of LGBTIQ folk, easy access to online dating and the abundance of travel and off-grid living means more of us are choosing nontraditional ways of engaging our sexualities. The truth is that not everyone is able to be (or wants to be) in a long-term relationship. Yet there is no rule book for how to negotiate the often tricky terrain of casual sex, so many of us are left to make it up ourselves.
One thing I have learned over 20 years working with sexuality and years negotiating myself, is there is no one true path when it comes to sexuality and its expression, casual or not. We may have our preferences and moral codes, but ultimately, we must honor ourselves, not at the expense of our lovers, but because of them and alongside them.
So in order to celebrate casual encounters while also maintaining our integrity, here are a few considerations to make the journey of casual sex as pleasurable as can be.
1. Own your eroticism.
Unlike conventional hookups where "it just happens" passively, make a point of discussing your expectations, what you enjoy, what you're offering and your turn ons. This can help not only build erotic tension but also help you decide if your dynamic with this person will be fulfilling. On a more basic level, this kind of communication will minimize confusion, hurt feelings and the potential for violated-boundaries. Whether you like rough sex, oral sex, alternative sex or have certain no-go zones, these things need to be discussed, ideally in advance.
Sexual dynamics are inherent to both casual or long term relationships. Power, friction and balance are a very real and robust part of our sexuality, so learn to honor and respect them within yourself. Denying their presence will not make them go away but create miscommunication and problems. Nothing says "I'm a good lover" more than taking responsibility for your own pleasure and minimizing the guesswork.
2. Consider what you're offering — not just what you're getting.
Being a desirable lover means being clear about what you're offering. Great sex is about much more than just going through the right motions. It's about mindful intentions. When you know what you're doing, what you're offering and most importantly, WHY you're there, your sexual potency increases. This is because you are: