As a sex therapist, I see a lot of women who walk through my doors and explain that they simply don’t understand what all the fuss is about sex. They're often in loving relationships with successful careers, yet they simply don’t get it.
The first thing I learn from these women is that they've never actually taken the time to explore their bodies or discover what they enjoy sexually. Perhaps it stems from a patriarchal hangover. Much like trauma moves through generations, so too, it seems, has this idea that women need to keep their sexuality under wraps.
Either way, I'm surprised at how many women don’t see the point in having sex. Teaching them to meditate is my first strategy, because it offers a raft of benefits to their sex lives. Here are just a few:
1. Meditation brings you back to the body.
Often one of the first suggestions I make with my female clients is that they begin to meditate, and I usually take them through a guided meditation in the room. I want to show them what it feels like to be present in their bodies. I know the first time I went through a body scan I was shocked at how much I actually felt within my body, and even more surprised by how my head seemed to be cut off from the rest of myself.
Getting present in our bodies is vital to begin understanding the pleasure potential of sex. This process can turn a touch from a tickle to an invitation. When we remain in our bodies, curious to sensations, it becomes less likely that we will reject what we feel. Embracing our physical feelings is vital to enjoying sex.
2. Meditation helps you stay in the moment
Good sex is all about staying in the moment. It’s about the journey, not the destination. In our goal-orientated society, this can be difficult to swallow at times, but slowing down and reveling in each moment makes a huge difference to how sex feels. This is often a hard task because the mind is over active and constantly finding ways to distract. This is where a regular meditation practice can change this. Learning how to ignore the distractions of thought and staying focused on the breath is the first learning step toward being able to do so in the boudoir.
3. Meditation teaches you how to breathe
Often when we begin to get close to orgasm or arousal we tend to take shorter breathes and tense up our bodies. What I hear time and again from my female clients is that they can’t quite make it to orgasm, even though they really try. Trying is the worst thing for pleasure. When we tense up our bodies and try to feel something all we do is invoke a stress response. Meditation teaches us how to breathe deeply and fully and if we do this during lovemaking it changes the way we experience pleasure. Noticing what happens when we breathe and relax usually intensifies the feelings and can expand pleasure.
4. Meditation teaches you to feel without judgment.
So often I hear about women who shut down as soon as they begin to feel something good, whether emotionally or physically. It seems there's a big risk in allowing ourselves to feel pleasurable feelings. When we meditate, we are taught to simply notice what we feel, either physically or emotionally, with our judgment. And this is where great transformation can occur. Being able to feel without judgment can change the way we receive. Letting go of preconceived ideas around what we know something feels like and being open and curious can alter our perceptions of how we feel something. This chink in our perception can crack us wide open to pleasure.
Women who have introduced meditation into their daily routine and made is part of their sex life often say they are experiencing undiscovered places of satisfaction in their sexual relating. Allowing the time to get present to their body, stay in the moment, breathe, relax and stop the judgment certainly yields great rewards both in life and the boudoir.