3 Things Your Friends Wish You Would Do When They Tell You Their Problems

Humans are "natural problem solvers" who "enjoy the challenge of puzzles."

That's according to Dov Seidman, CEO of the ethics and management compliance firm LRN, in his book HOW: Why HOW We Do Anything Means Everything. Although written in the context of business, Seidman's sentiments apply outside the workplace too. Whenever we're faced with any sort of problem, we automatically search for a solution. But in the context of our relationships, new research suggests that inclination might be unhelpful.

Let's say a friend or loved one approaches you with a debacle of their own. Wanting to help them work through the knots is natural, but unless someone specifically asks for assistance, research suggests you're probably better off lending an ear than you are offering advice.

"Giving advice about how to solve problems 'feels' like the right approach to helping a friend or loved one when they describe a situation causing distress and are not sure what to do," Basis co-founder and psychologist Lindsay Trent tells mbg, with an emphasis on the word feels. "This is especially true when you are able to offer excellent advice and are confident it could help improve their situation."

Though tempting as it may be to start blurting out advice, Vinay Saranga, M.D., a psychiatrist and founder of Saranga Comprehensive Psychiatry who was not involved in Basis' survey, tells mbg that many people simply just need an outlet to vent their problems, whether it's frustrations, anger, sadness, stress, or any other emotion. Sometimes recruiting another person to act as a sounding board for us is enough, he continues. "We don't necessarily want another person to tell us what to do."

It might be instinctual to offer advice to a friend or loved one, but resisting the urge and switching gears from what Trent calls the "righting reflex," aka "the impulse to adopt an expert role and try to 'fix' the problem," and instead focusing on being a strong support system can prove even more beneficial. This is because when you take on the role of the expert, you're inadvertently communicating that your friend or loved one is incapable of resolving the issue on their own. By doing this, Trent says, you're suggesting your own superiority.

It's also possible your loved one may have already narrowed down their options, so rather than looking to you for an alternative, they're looking for validation. Sharing their ideas with you is their way of gaining a sense of reassurance, Saranga says.

Your goal should be to keep the conversation open and flexible and let the other person take the reins. After all, in the end, this is their story to tell, clinical psychologist Michael Alcee, Ph.D., tells mbg.

Of course, there's more to being a good listener than opening your ears and zipping your lips; you also need to keep an open mind and an open heart. Trent tells mbg this can be achieved through shedding the expert skin and adopting a "generally curious stance" by asking questions and engaging in a format of conversation that draws out the other person's perspective, where you'd normally insert your own.