Not Clicking With Your Partner In Bed? Here's How To Heighten Sexual Compatibility
Contrary to what many of us would like to believe, sexual compatibility doesn't just happen naturally—it takes time and deliberate effort. Because sexual desires and expectations are highly personal, even if you and your partner have a lot in common, you're going to have some differences.
Could you imagine having to eat the exact same food, in the exact same quantity, at the exact same time as your partner for the rest of your lives? It would be impossible, not to mention unhealthy and incredibly boring—your bodies are different! However, for some reason, we expect our sex lives to fall into place effortlessly, and when it doesn't happen, we feel let down.
The most important part of compatibility is the willingness to work on it.
Our levels of desire, turn-ons, and turnoffs naturally change and evolve over time, so ongoing communication is important. If you and your partner value your sex life and are willing to put in the effort, you're more likely to be compatible.
Accepting your incompatibility will make you more compatible.
Huh? You might be scratching your head, but accepting that you're going to disagree sometimes will help you become more compatible. In a healthy relationship, you will fight, because when you disagree, you can start to understand each other and improve your connection. When it comes to sex, every couple faces compatibility issues.
The idea of a perfect fit is a myth. If your sexual needs aren't in sync, it doesn't mean you're incompatible—it means you're normal. Don't be discouraged by your differences—talk about what you want and be sure to frame your requests positively—not as complaints. "You're so sexy, I love feeling your hands all over my body," will get you a lot further than, "You never touch me."
When it comes to sex, compatibility is about quality—not quantity.
When you think of sexual compatibility, it's easy to think about how often you're having sex. But this is only one piece of the compatibility puzzle. Once you start focusing on the quality of your intimate interactions, you'll be able to focus on overcoming your differences in desire levels.
Many people worry they're incompatible because one person wants sex more than the other. This imbalance is going to happen, but it's manageable if you can shift the focus away from frequency to what you're doing to maintain and deepen your sexual connection. Flirt, send some dirty text messages, and figure out what gets your partner hot and bothered. Frequency will fall into place naturally as you take the pressure off yourselves.
You can develop greater compatibility.
Just because you feel mismatched today doesn't mean you can't work things out and develop greater compatibility in the future. Much of what we do and know about sex is learned behavior and can be unlearned or relearned. This is where the assistance of a sexologist or sex therapist can help you identify the disrupters in your sex life from your upbringing, past relationships, and society.
Let a few of these sexologist-approved tips take your sexual compatibility to another level:
1. Do it yourself.
If you're dealing with differences in desire (P.S. We all are), the person who wants sex more often should consider taking things into their own hands—literally. Just as you can't eat every meal together, you can't share every sexual experience together. Learn to give yourself a little loving first!
2. Take turns initiating.
If your partner is normally chasing you, it's time to step up to the plate and express your own desire. Sharing this fun responsibility will help maintain balance in your relationship and cultivate more intimacy.
3. Be mindful of your accelerators and brakes.
In Emily Nagoski's book, she says that instead of a "sex drive," think of it more as your car with a brake and an accelerator. Some people have sensitive brakes, meaning they can easily become uninterested in sex because of other priorities, and some have sensitive accelerators, meaning they're easily reminded of and interested in sex, like a sensitive gas pedal. We typically think we need more pressure on the accelerator when in reality, we need less pressure on the brakes.
For the car to start moving, you need to let your foot off the brake. This means letting go or taking care of other needs that are ahead of your sexual gas pedal. For a busy mom with a sensitive brake pedal, the kids are cared for, the laundry and dishes are done, and there's nothing else going on. Your level of arousal is the balance of the brakes and gas.
4. Practice mindfulness around pleasure and responsive desire.
Culturally we tend to believe that feeling desire is normal. There are two types of desire—responsive and spontaneous. Responsive desire is an anticipation of pleasure, when pleasure comes first and desire follows as a result. Spontaneous desire is a well-established desire, where the interest is already there. Recognizing this can change your sexual goals from thinking you need to want to have sex to just being willing to have sex—try it and see what happens!
Whether you're experiencing high desire or low desire, spontaneous desire or responsive desire—you are totally normal. Your sexual compatibility will evolve and grow, and what you put into it is what you'll get out of it.
Kelly McDonnell-Arnold is a certified sexologist, individual and relationship therapist, masters level registered social worker (RSW) and registered psychotherapist (RP). She is the cofounder of Sexology International and runs Bliss Counselling. She received her double undergraduate degree in psychology and sociology with honors from Wilfrid Laurier University, after which she pursued a master’s degree in forensic sexology at Curtin University of Technology in Perth, Western Australia. She has completed additional training in EMDR Therapy and holds a certificate in sex therapy from the University of Guelph, and finally a master’s of business administration with a specialization in healthcare administration from Niagara University. Kelly is passionate about providing ‘sex-positive,’ fresh, and reliable sexology information in all its complexity (but in a simple-to-understand message), empowering others to explore and own their sexuality.