Exactly How To Ask For The Sex You Really Want

Wish your partner would do something different in the bedroom, like try a new position, adjust their pace, or touch you just so? Communicating these desires to your partner can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but just remember that when it comes to what goes on in the boudoir, YOU are in charge of your own pleasure. Here are some powerful strategies you can use to be your own pleasure advocate and ask for what you want during sex:

Wouldn’t you want your partner to tell you if there was a way you could blow their mind? If you said, "Hell yes!" you can bet that your partner feels the exact same way. This reticence is not serving either of you. So get comfortable with getting a little uncomfortable. A few moments of minor awkwardness can lead to a lifetime of enhanced pleasure.

Instead, start a loving conversation at a time when you’re both feeling comfortable and connected...and clothed! Maybe you do so over dinner, when you're out for a walk, or during a date. That way, you will be able to give your partner the space and stress-free environment they need to process and respond to your request without feeling pressured.

Your partner is not a mind reader. So if you would like them to go faster or slower, harder or softer, you need to speak up and tell them—or give them a helping hand and show them.

It’s one thing to ask them to move a little to the left. It’s another thing entirely to demand they move 37 degrees southwest while maintaining a 12-pumps-per-minute speed ratio. After all, much of the magic of sex is found in the unplanned and unexpected moments, so don’t let your desires become rigid rules that shut you off from presence, connection, and possibility.

Your best bet? Forgive them for their forgetfulness, surrender to the moment, and commit to having a conversation later on in a less pressure-filled situation…preferably when you’re both clothed and thinking clearly.

There is always a possibility that what you desire may not be desirable to your partner. It may even make them feel unsafe. In these instances, respecting your partner’s boundaries is imperative. Mind-blowing soulful sex cannot happen if one party feels coerced, unsafe, or disrespected. And just because you’ve been brave enough to articulate your desire does NOT mean your partner must comply. (A relationship is not a dictatorship, and the bedroom is no place to act entitled.) If your suggestion has not been met with enthusiasm, consider exploring alternative options that allow you both to feel excited and turned on.

If you’ve made a request of your partner, reciprocate with a whole heart. How can you blow their mind? What can you do to enhance their experience? How can you make them feel seen, heard, and held? Remember, there’s no "I" in sex. Soulful sex is a team sport.

Looking for more juicy details on how to craft soulful relationships? Check out Melissa's upcoming book, Open Wide and peep her mbg class: How To Manifest Your Dream Life. (Um, yes please.)