How Growing Up With Unavailable Parents Can Affect Your Sex Life As An Adult

Having a strained or negative relationship with your parents throughout your childhood can have a significant impact on your life even long after you stop living under your parents' roof. It can affect your long-term mental health, sense of self-worth, and the way you relate to other human beings in your life, particularly in romantic relationships.

Even the way we approach our sex lives—and how good sex feels to us—can be affected by our earliest childhood experiences. Past research has shown that many types of distressing childhood experiences are linked with having trouble enjoying sex as an adult.

Why would unavailable parents lead to more sexual trouble?

One mediating factor the researchers found was identity trouble. People who had more unavailable parents also tended to have a less stable sense of self. In the paper on their findings, lead author Noémie Bigras, Ph.D., and her fellow researchers explain that these experiences of childhood neglect may mean that a child grew up without sufficient engagement, stimulation, and interpersonal mirroring that are needed to develop real knowledge of oneself.

"Neglectful, unavailable or unresponsive parents, oftentimes, fail to be attuned to the internal world of the child, which in turn, tend to hinder the development of a rich and coherent sense of self as well as the capacity to reflect on one's own and other's internal states," they write. "The development of the child's sense of self and the child's understanding of their own and others' mental states could be thought of as essential skills for a positive and healthy sexuality later on."

When you're not as secure in who you are and not in touch with your own needs, it can be very hard to know what you want sexually and to assert your sexual needs with partners.

If you're an adult who grew up with a neglectful or emotionally unavailable parent, know that there are ways to heal so that you can move on to having healthier relationships as an adult—and more satisfying sex.

The idea that our relationship with our earliest caregivers can affect how we relate to romantic partners is the basis of attachment theory. Of the four attachment styles, the more rare fearful-avoidant attachment has been linked with having a lot more sexual partners than others, a lot more sexual compliance, and out-of-control sexual behaviors. But all insecure attachment styles can contribute to having an unsatisfying sex life.

A good therapist can help you unpack your childhood experiences, understand how they've affected your sense of self, and help you develop a secure attachment style. In particular, the researchers emphasize the importance of learning how to identify and express your emotions clearly.