I always pictured myself becoming a mother someday. I’m the girl who grew up playing with baby dolls and pretending my little sister was my baby.
But somewhere along the line, especially in the last year or so, I began to question this. Do I actually even want kids?
It started around the time I hit the big 3-0, before I was even married. I suddenly felt increasing pressure to make a decision about children.
Now, here I am at 32, almost 33, and a year into my marriage. As the so-called biological clock ticks, I feel that pressure even more.
Sure, more and more women are having kids at an older age. But with that comes risks. Plus, I don't want to struggle to keep up with my kids or not be able to retire until I'm 70 because my kids just graduated college.
Overall, my husband and I have always been on the same page about children. He’s fine with whatever happens: children, no children, or adopting if we can’t conceive. We've had many in-depth conversations about the decision. Now, it's something we talk about at least once a month — because it's been weighing on my mind a lot lately.
I've been married only a year. I always thought I'd have more time for it to be just the two of us, to travel and just be. But that clock is ticking. I keep ignoring it and placing it on a shelf hoping that one day I'll wake up and just "know."
But here I am and I still haven't had that moment of "I want to be a mom!”
I wasn't entirely sure why — until a few weeks ago. That morning, I had just finished my workout and was getting ready to walk our dog Bailey, when I decided to sneak in a minute of snuggling with my husband.
And as I lay there in the comfort of my husband’s arms, one of my favorite places in the whole world, I thought to myself: Will I be like this when we have kids? Would I remember to take moments like this, however fleeting they are? Or would I be so consumed by our family and forget about us?
That's when the truth finally hit me: I'm scared to become a mom. I'm scared of what the future will hold.
As I dug deeper, I realized there were a few main factors driving my fears: