The 4 Stages Of A Narcissistic Relationship Pattern & How To End It

If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist before—whether at home, work, in a romantic relationship, or otherwise—you know how overwhelming it can be. The person doesn’t seem to care about anyone else’s needs but their own. Maybe they have a huge ego that you can’t stand, or maybe one day, they’re super sweet and charming, but another day, they’re putting you down. Sound familiar?

No matter what their specific behaviors look like, being in a relationship with a narcissist can be harmful and hurtful—and, in the extreme, a narcissistic relationship pattern can have intense emotional, psychological, and physical effects.

Narcissism describes a specific pattern of behavior marked by inflated self-worth, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, says clinical psychologist Annia Raja, Ph.D. According to the American Psychological Association, people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to feel a sense of entitlement and often take advantage of others, which can make it tough to maintain relationships. 

Narcissists often have unreasonable expectations of others, center their own experience above everyone else’s, and exhibit controlling behaviors in relationships. “Narcissists may use subtle manipulation tactics to influence people and situations to their advantage—this can include things like passive-aggressive behavior, playing the victim, or subtly undermining others to maintain control or bolster their self-esteem,” Raja tells mbg. They may also expect others to cater to them on a whim, refuse to take accountability for their actions, and get jealous or competitive with others. 

Although all relationships look different, narcissistic relationship patterns tend to be unhealthy and unbalanced. “Narcissists tend to be exploitative, often forming relationships based on what they can gain from them, rather than genuine emotional connection,” Raja explains. “They might strategically choose romantic partners, friends, or colleagues who can provide them with status, wealth, or connections. And once someone no longer serves a purpose to them, they will often denigrate or discard them.” 

Narcissists can also be highly charismatic, which can make it easy to fall for them—both romantically and platonically. “However, this charm is usually short-lived, and once they think they’ve secured someone's admiration or loyalty, their true colors start to emerge,” Raja says. This dynamic can cause a variety of challenges and even narcissistic abuse, 

“Narcissists usually have difficulties with emotional regulation [and] struggle with managing their emotions, particularly when their self-image is threatened,” Raja tells mbg. “This can lead to intense emotional reactions such as anger outbursts, mood swings, or even bouts of depression and anxiety.”

Narcissists can appear attractive, magnetic, and charismatic to everyone they encounter—but usually, they have a darker side that others may or may not witness or experience right away. “They might engage in flattering conversation, maintain strong eye contact, or tell engaging stories,” Raja says.

“In a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist may have difficulty respecting their partner's boundaries, both emotional and physical,” Raja tells mbg. “They might make unreasonable demands, invade their partner's privacy, or pressure them into uncomfortable situations.”

No relationship is perfect, but if your partner makes you feel confused, insecure, or you’re constantly afraid to upset them, it could be a sign you’re dealing with a narcissist. “Narcissists may alternate between affectionate and dismissive behavior, creating a cycle of ‘push and pull’ in the relationship,” Raja says. 

According to Jaime Zuckerman, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in helping clients identify and heal from narcissistic abuse, being with a narcissist can have long-term mental, emotional, and physical effects. “Narcissistic abuse has devastating consequences on one’s sense of self, confidence, and even sense of reality,” she tells mbg. “Narcissist abuse can take the form of not only emotional and mental abuse, but also physical, sexual, and financial.” 

Dealing with a narcissist can also be downright draining. “Narcissists engage in what is called ‘breadcrumbing’—giving you glimmers of healthy, loving behaviors, just long enough to keep you holding onto hope for real change,” Zuckerman explains. However, the flip-flopping between love bombing and manipulation can be destabilizing. “This feeling of this person being a total stranger can be extremely unnerving,” she says. “It makes people question whether the entire relationship was a fraud.”

If you’ve determined you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you may want to take steps to heal the toxic relationship—or, you may opt to end it altogether, which can be intimidating. “On average, it takes approximately seven times to leave for good,” Zuckerman says. “It is a process…and a difficult one.” 

If you decide to go this route, she recommends having a safety plan in place beforehand. “Get your affairs in order to develop an exit strategy,” she says. This may include organizing your finances, finding supportive friends, figuring out a place to stay, and consulting a therapist or attorney, if needed. (Here’s our full guide to leaving an abusive relationship.)

She also recommends going “no-contact” with the narcissistic partner, especially if their behavior toward you has been abusive. “This means cutting off all communication with the narcissist, including blocking social media accounts, emails, phone numbers, and blocking their family and friends,” she says.

If there are children involved in your relationship and you have to stay in touch, Zuckerman suggests documenting communications in writing and using concise, factual language—because, unfortunately, a narcissistic partner will likely make the breakup a long, emotionally-charged experience. (We have a guide to co-parenting with a narcissist, too.) 

When healing from a narcissistic relationship pattern, it’s important to find trustworthy people who can help. “Isolation from friends and family can be a lasting impact of a narcissistic relationship,” Raja tells mbg. “Forging new connections can help counteract feelings of loneliness and provide a sense of belonging and emotional support.”

Whether you want to work things out with your partner or initiate a breakup, dealing with a narcissistic person can feel isolating and sometimes dangerous. Having the support of a therapist can help. 

A narcissistic partner might dump you out of nowhere after they realize they no longer have a need for you—and in other cases, dating them may feel like an unsettling back-and-forth journey that makes you want to end the relationship. 

When breaking up with a narcissist, remember that they are adept at manipulation tactics—so it’s even more important to hold your ground. “They may promise to change and pretend to do so long enough to convince you of that, but it will be short-lived,” Zuckerman says. During the breakup, they may insult, belittle, tease, or try to activate your emotions in a way that makes it difficult to have a healthy conversation. “Do NOT attempt to defend their character assassination of you. This is what they want,” Zuckerman says. 

Being in a relationship with a narcissist can be an exhausting, unnerving experience that constantly leaves you doubting yourself and questioning your reality. However, getting out of an abusive cycle is a big process, and recognizing that narcissism is impacting your relationship is a monumental first step. 

“Breaking the abuse cycle involves identifying the very predictable blueprint of their behaviors,” Zuckerman says. This process alone, she says, can be empowering and remind you that you’re in control of your future. To start unpacking the relationship and finding a path to healing—whatever that means for you—Zuckerman suggests finding a qualified therapist who understands the nuance of narcissistic relationships and abuse.

If you’re feeling discouraged about the future, Raja says there is hope. “Reflecting on your experiences in a narcissistic relationship can provide valuable insights for future relationships,” Raja says. “Identify patterns, recognize red flags, and consider how you might approach similar situations differently to foster healthier, more fulfilling connections.”