How Your Defensive Instincts Sabotage Your Relationships, From A Psychoanalyst

In psychoanalytic theory, a defense mechanism is an unconscious psychological operation that functions to protect a person from anxiety-producing thoughts and feelings. Defensiveness is a common psychological defense mechanism that people use when they feel they are under some kind of interpersonal threat.

Defensiveness is one of the so-called four horsemen of the apocalypse, which are four unhealthy communication behaviors identified by psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., and his team as being predictors of divorce. When defensiveness is present, it is an indication that the foundation of a relationship house is in danger of cracking. 

(Here are some other common signs of defensiveness if you're not quite sure.)

Defensiveness is often a strategy we learned in our early development either because of how we were treated or how we learned to protect ourselves from the attachment distress we may have experienced as children. It's never our fault that as children we were taught to relate in unhealthy ways, but it is our responsibility as adults to heal these parts of ourselves. 

Anyone in a relationship can attest to the fact that, when you are on the receiving end of someone's defensive behavior, the impact is that you don't feel seen, heard, or understood. However, the negative impact of defensiveness extends beyond the destruction it can wreak on your relationships; defensiveness can keep you arrested in an emotionally immature version of yourself because defensiveness interrupts your ability to listen to your partner and to take in the reflection of the person closest to you.

When your partner asks for something, or shares their experience with you, they want to feel that you are receptive to them. If they are being reasonable in their expression, your job is to defend and protect your connection with your partner, and you can do that by being receptive to their expression.

Protect the relationship by validating your partner's experience and letting them know you are open to receiving what they are saying. For example: "You're right, I should have picked up the dry cleaning. I'm sorry. I'll do it tomorrow." Put yourself in their shoes, and if you can see even 10% of their perspective, try yielding to their expression: "Yes, you're right, sometimes I can be really forgetful. I'm working on it."

Of course, not everything that our partner reflects about how we have impacted them is the full truth, but if we shut ourselves off from learning how to be present and to hear what they are saying to us, we not only lose the potential of receiving important information about who we are, but we also hurt the connection we have with our partner.