9 Steps To Healing Your Attachment Issues In Relationships

Have you found that your relationship history is filled with one wound-triggering issue after the other? Do your attachment issues keep you from getting close to your partner? Do your partner's attachment issues keep you from getting inside those defensive walls? If so, you're not alone. Here's how you can understand and actually heal your attachment issues in your relationships.

Your attachment wounds are exposed in intimate relationships where vulnerability, trust, and safety are most vital. That's why someone you really care about can deeply trigger your wounds; someone you know peripherally simply doesn't get close enough to know or activate your wounds.

To understand your attachment issues, it's important to first understand what your attachment style is. Some people have a well-defined attachment style, and some have a blend of styles. It's common for people to see themselves in more than one attachment, yet one style may feel stronger than the others. It's perfectly acceptable to create a "blended" attachment description to reflect who you are right now. For example, you might feel that your style feels 80% secure attachment and 20% anxious attachment. The goal is to increase your personal awareness rather than to simply label yourself or your partner.

As ideal as this sounds, even people with a secure attachment style can get triggered now and again. When two securely attached people are in a relationship, ruptures happen infrequently and are often healed smoothly. However, if one securely attached person partners with someone who is not securely attached, ongoing issues can surely arise. So, if you're a securely attached person in relationship with an insecurely attached person, your overall work is to stay steady and hold your "secure attachment ground."

Due to a deep fear of being alone and losing a relationship, the anxiously attached person may be very clingy and highly dependent. Those with anxious attachment can be reactive, emotionally hypersensitive, and prone to accepting less than they deserve in relationships. Although often submissive, the anxiously attached person can become aggressive if triggered. Fears of potential rejection or abandonment often lurk—even if there is no reason to suspect that a partner is unfaithful or uncommitted.

Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style often have substantial difficulty in romantic relationships; they may initially appear invested and capable of being connected, but they are not able to maintain healthy connection. Due to low self-esteem, they tend to think they are not worthy of love and often have low regard for their partners. Given their inner ambivalence, the fearful-avoidant type tends to create roller-coaster-type relationships filled with unpredictability and dramatic conflict. Their internal world is fear-based and chaotic; this often leads to abusive behaviors directed at others and the self. This type is driven by a constant conflict between a desire to attach and a deep fear of attachment.

Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant style often appear independent and may have high self-esteem. They often think they are superior to others—particularly in romantic relationships. Although those with a dismissive-avoidant style often seem capable of connection, they are often emotionally distant and hyper-independent in intimate relationships. Aloof and self-focused, these often-charismatic individuals prefer superficial connections and often prefer hookups and noncommitted relationships. The ambivalent, dismissive-avoidant type puts up walls and pushes intimacy away.

The good news is, you can change your attachment style. If you don't have a secure attachment style, you can surely do self-work to shift into healthier relationship dynamics. And, if you're in a relationship, profound positive shifts can occur when both partners consciously invest in healing their attachment wounds.

Feel free to work through the steps on your own or with a trusted partner. If working with a partner, your partner will also complete each step. Afterward, you can mindfully share your thoughts and create actionable goals to move forward in healthy, connective ways. 

Whether you take several attachment style quizzes online, work with a psychotherapist, or invest in reading about attachment, become nonjudgmentally familiar with your attachment style. If you have more of a blended style of attachment, focus on which elements of each style seem to be most "you." Being aware of your attachment style is one of the biggest keys to healing your attachment wounds.

Whether or not your partner is interested in self-work, it's important for you to understand how your partner's attachment style affects you and your relationship. If your partner is interested in diving into this area, you can definitely engage in mindful, co-healing work. If your partner isn't interested in self-development, just knowing your partner's attachment style can help you be more aware and understanding when relationship challenges arise.

Self-reflective journaling can be one of the most powerful self-growth tools. It's important to be compassionate and nonjudgmental as you work. Set aside time to journal about 10 upsides of your attachment style. Take a break, and then focus on 10 downsides of your attachment style. For example, a person with a dismissive-avoidant style may journal and realize that one upside is feeling self-sufficient. Later journaling may reveal that one downside to the dismissive-avoidant style is the tendency to feel isolated.

The goal is not to judge or blame anyone (including yourself); the goal is simply to increase your awareness about your own attachment wounds. For example, you might write:

The more you notice your triggers, the more you'll be able to focus on healing the sensitive inner wounds.

For example, you might notice a theme of feeling triggered when your partner does not show you enough attention; this would tell you that one of your core wounds is not receiving sufficient, loving connection. As another example, you might realize that you often criticize your partner and set off conflicts; this might tell you that one of your core wounds is not knowing how to connect in loving, intimate ways. The goal is to compassionately identify your wounds to increase your self-awareness.

This increased awareness will help you to appreciate your wounds and share them with your partner. For example, you may recall that one or both of your parents were rarely attentive and often distracted with work issues. You may then realize that your partner's habit of multitasking during discussions makes you feel ignored and rejected. This connection will help you appreciate that it's important for you to have a partner who is willing to give you focused, considerate attention.

For example, you might say to a partner, "I feel hurt when you multitask while I'm talking to you. I feel loved and connected when you focus on me during our conversations." This clear and mindful "I-feel-I-need" template gives your partner the opportunity to care for your attachment wounds intentionally in the present moment.

Sometimes, however, partners don't respond in healthy ways and may even purposefully provoke wounds. As well, even well-intentioned partners unconsciously revert to old habits. If a partner triggers an old wound even after you've explained the issue, it's important to restate your needs and hold your boundaries. Sadly, there are times that a partner won't want to engage in new, healthy dynamics; in such cases, it's often wise to move forward with self-love.

As you and your partner progress, talk more deeply about the issues behind your wounds. Explore childhood patterns and family issues so that you each understand and appreciate the other's attachment wounds. Reactivity, blame, and defensiveness will decrease as each partner brings greater awareness to their own wounds and needs. Conscious, loving attachment wound repair can be very cathartic and bonding in relationships. It's important to note that both partners must be committed to supporting each other's healing in compassionate, mindful ways.

Remember that your attachment style is important because it forms the basis for how you feel and interact in your most intimate relationships. The good news is that you can change your attachment style with focused self-development efforts. Attachment issues run very deep, so remember to reach out to a trained psychotherapist if you need further support. You deserve to be safe, secure, and loved.