Why Attunement Is Essential In Relationships & How To Practice It

Attunement is the quality of being in tune with something, particularly a person. In psychology, it's thought of primarily as something that occurs between parents and children, such as when a parent mirrors their child's affect and emotions back to them, smiling when their child smiles or saying "uh-oh!" when the child drops something. But attunement also occurs in all relationships between people, and the concept is central to certain types of energy healing such as reiki.

Attunement as a conscious spiritual practice was developed by Lloyd Arthur Meeker in 1929 and is still practiced today. It involves sharing energy between two people, totally in sync, to promote well-being. Essentially, it's all about becoming harmonious with other people's energies.

In the context of relationships, emotional attunement involves being truly present and in tune with your partner, not unlike empathy. When we're emotionally in tune, we're able to deeply understand and even feel our partner's emotions. An emotionally attuned couple is able to be in a space of total harmony together.

Attunement is incredibly important within all kinds of relationships, as it allows for deeper connection, intimacy, and understanding. Though as therapist and certified sex therapist De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson, LCSW, CST, points out, "It would be wonderful if our partners were mind readers, but what gets us to the point of attunement is clear communication early on in the relationship."

Without open and honest communication, she adds, we simply can't expect anyone to understand our emotions and needs. "It's on us to tell our partners how we're feeling so they can notice the signs going forward," she adds. In this way, the more you explicitly discuss your emotions, the more attunement will happen naturally, as you just "get" each other.

In reiki, a form of energy healing, there is an entire reiki ceremony dedicated to attunement called Reiju (Ray-joo) in which a reiki master opens and expands the main energy channels of the student's body. This is to allow universal energy, or chi, to flow more freely and deeply through them.

Self-attunement is just as important as attuning to others. After all, if we're out of touch with our own emotions, how can we possibly connect to someone else's?

Fleming recommends practicing body scans, because "part of attunement is to be embodied," she says, adding, "A lot of us are just living in our heads."

Attunement is a very intentional and mindful thing, so practicing mindfulness is a good way to encourage that state of deep presence.

Both on your own and with your partner, Blaylock-Johnson says it's all about nonjudgment and being present with whatever it is you're feeling—and if you're with your partner, what they're feeling too. "I think that can also really help you be in tune with yourself so you can share what it is you're needing from your partner," she adds.

As Blaylock-Johnson points out, attunement won't be possible without open and honest conversation. In other words, it's important to not just assume you just know what your partner is feeling; you need to be able to directly talk about it together so that they can tell you what they're feeling.

Eye gazing is another favorite of Fleming's that can do wonders to help two people attune. "I think when someone's holding your gaze and vice versa, we have these mirror neurons, and we're sort of wired to feel that sense of attunement and connection," she explains.