The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse: 4 Relationship Habits That Predict Divorce

The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.  

Gottman named these four communication habits as a play on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible's New Testament. Those four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. Similarly, when there is a chronic use of Gottman's Four Horsemen, research has shown the relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy and, in likelihood, will end.

Since the 1970s, Gottman has studied thousands of couples in what is called the Love Lab, where he and his team watched couples interact and tracked their relational satisfaction. Through this research, they were able to distill the relational habits that make some couples "masters'' and other couples "disasters" in relationships. Gottman found that when couples utilize criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or contempt during their difficult moments, they trigger what's known as the "distance and isolation cascade." This means that as a couple utilizes any of these four habits without successful "repair" over time, they will turn toward each other less and less to meet their connection needs.

The first of the four horsemen is criticism. Criticism is the act of noticing a problem within your life or the relationship and turning it into a commentary of your partner's character trait flaws. You can catch yourself using criticism when you say the words "always" or "never" when describing something your partner does or doesn't do. Criticism is different from complaint. Issuing complaints is a normal and healthy aspect of a relationship—if no one ever complains, then there will be a lot of unprocessed resentment over time. A complaint, however, focuses on the actual issue.

The use of criticism in a relationship is usually due to having unmet needs. Sadly, when you wrap those unmet needs in criticism, you are even less likely to get them met by your partner. We can actually predict how a conversation is going to go in the first three minutes. If the conversation starts off harshly, it is likely to move toward difficult conflict, whereas when we bring up the same topic softly, there is a higher likelihood of resolution.

If we used the complaint listed above, it would sound like:

There might be a good explanation. Maybe the person is being mean to you. Maybe you are right, and they never clean up their dishes. Perhaps it's true that if they just chilled out, they would be happier.

Instead of getting defensive, try taking responsibility for your part, even if you believe you only own an iota of the issue. You can also try to validate their own perception and reality. The likelihood is that their perception is valid and that there is some piece of it you hold responsibility for. It can be hard to admit, but it's really important for healthy relational functioning.

This might sound like saying:

The next of the four horsemen is stonewalling. Stonewalling is exactly as it sounds: when someone in the conversation starts to act like a stone wall. As the person experiencing the stonewalling, it might seem like their partner doesn't care about them. They will notice that their partner looks away, remains silent through most of the conversation, and perhaps even crosses their arms across their chest.

When someone is physiologically flooded, it is not possible to have a productive conversation. That is why it's important for both people in the conversation to agree to take a break when they notice that flooding is present. The person that is stonewalling needs to work toward self-soothing. It takes about 20 minutes for the stress hormones to dump out of the bloodstream.

In order to self-soothe, you need space from the conflict, so try not to continue to think about it, write about it, or call your best friend to talk about it.

Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen. At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional abuse. According to Gottman's research, contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce. It also has been connected to health issues for the partner the contempt is directed toward, including a lower immune system.

Contempt is developed through modeling or long-standing resentment. Some people learn to be contemptuous because they saw their caregivers utilize contempt in conflict. Because of this, it's their go-to when they are upset. For others, contempt has developed within the relationship in response to long-standing resentment or betrayal.

Rather than utilizing contempt, you'll need to work on building new communication skills to discuss your upset feelings. Specifically, you'll need to learn to talk about yourself rather than the other person when in conflict. The ultimate goal is to be able to use gentle startup (discussed with criticism above), but at first you might just focus on being able to narrate your inner world instead of attacking the other person.

That might sound like:

"Right now, I can feel myself being so angry. I want to say so many angry things to you, but I know it won't go well. I really need us to figure out how to fix this."

When we learn to recognize the four horsemen and replace them with new skills, our conflict conversations can change.