13 Red Flags In A Relationship You Shouldn't Ignore

When dating someone new, it's all too easy to look at the person through rose-colored glasses—and miss the glaring signs they're not right for you. Often referred to as red flags, we've all seen these glaring signs before, but whether we ignore them, try to work with them, or walk away is up to us. So, we asked experts which red flags you definitely want to watch out for, plus what to do about them.

Sometimes these red flags can be less extreme, and other times they're a crystal clear sign to run for the hills. According to psychotherapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, they can range from "proceed with caution" to "absolutely don't go there," depending on the severity of the behavior, and your own relationship patterns and nonnegotiables.

Any kind of physical abuse should be taken very seriously, Page notes. "If you feel physically scared by how the person is, or if they've ever behaved in ways that are physically abusive or threatening, that's it. Give it an absolute, 100% no," he says. (Here's our detailed guide on how to leave an abusive relationship if you're in one.)

Along with physical abuse, verbal and emotional abuse are also huge red flags, according to both Nuñez and page. "In a healthy relationship you support and encourage one another," Nuñez says. "Anybody that makes you feel like you're the problem, you're crazy, or you're causing them to act a certain way—those are all red flags."

Another red flag Nuñez and Page agree on is active addiction. Watch out for behavior like frequent binge drinking or other substance abuse. Page says when it comes to someone who's suffering from addiction, if you're pursuing them romantically, "you want to know they're in some kind of long-term recovery and are getting long-term support," he notes.

Similarly, and often corresponding to addiction, is untreated mental health issues. As Page explains, that's not to say those with mental health problems cannot have healthy relationships—they absolutely can. (On that note, here's our guide on dating someone with depression.) However, when conditions are left untreated or unstabilized, it's going to make a relationship very, very challenging. "It needs to be stabilized, and they need to be working on it," he adds.

A healthy relationship should feel safe and consistent, not like a roller coaster. According to Nuñez, inconsistent behavior is a red flag indicating this person will not be a reliable partner. Whether they don't call when they say they will, or go long periods of time without reaching out and then suddenly contact you with some excuse or apology (aka getting zombied), you'll want to keep an eye on that.

Page notes possessiveness really ranges on a spectrum from normal to unhealthy. A little jealousy now and again isn't the end of the world, but if their possessiveness toward you is connected with "anger, hostility, narcissism, threats, or rage," Page says, that's a red flag—especially if it gets worse over time. Nuñez adds that someone attempting to control you or isolate you from friends or family is definitely not OK. Watch out for all forms of manipulation.

Narcissism covers a whole variety of characteristics and behaviors, but generally speaking, watch out for behavior that indicates the person has a superiority complex, like entitlement, lack of self-accountability, lack of empathy, and so on. Even if someone doesn't have full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they can still exhibit narcissistic traits. According to Page, if you notice that somehow everything ends up becoming about them, this indicates they're not going to have the ability to truly see you.

Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that's used to maintain control over another person and involves actively denying that person's reality. For the person on the receiving end, being gaslit can feel extremely disorienting and make them question their own emotions and intuition. Page notes this is a big red flag. If you're upset about something, and this person tells you "you're being dramatic" or "that never happened," not only are they not taking accountability, but they're trying to control you and the narrative of your relationship.

Someone who is emotionally unavailable may indicate so in a variety of ways. As Nuñez notes, maybe this person only wants to see you late at night or when it's convenient for them, or they aren't taking appropriate steps to put in effort in general. And according to Page, other things like difficulty talking about feelings, or saying they don't want a relationship, are also signs that someone may not be emotionally available.

Going back to verbal and emotional abuse, get clear on how this person really, truly makes you feel inside. Are they demeaning and talk down to you, or do they lift you up? Nuñez says it's not in your best interest to entertain a relationship with anyone who makes you feel less than.

No relationship is perfect, but ultimately, a healthy relationship should add to your happiness—not take away from it. "Constant fighting over little things that are just insignificant, especially if you're newly dating somebody," Nuñez notes, is a red flag.

Similar to fighting, take note of any anger problems, Nuñez and Page say. If someone is very quick to anger, has frequent explosive outbursts, or switches emotions quickly (i.e., happiness to rage), this shows a lack of ability to regulate emotions in a healthy way—and is ultimately just unpleasant (and even frightening) to be around.

Last but not least, Nuñez says it's important to look at how much both of you are giving and receiving in the relationship. There should be equal give and take from both of you, and "if you're giving more than what you're given back, that's a red flag," she adds.

Long story short: "If you're not sure, talk to the person," Page says. He offers his best mantra for communication, which is "Say what you mean; mean what you say, and don't say it mean." And if you do that and they don't respond well, "that's a sign of what your future's going to look like," he says.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.