What It Means To Have A Strong Sense Of Self & How To Develop Yours
The world often tells us who we should be and what we should want. It can feel unmooring to receive so many conflicting messages from external forces, but when you know yourself deeply as an individual—or have a strong sense of self, as it's sometimes called—you're less likely to be swayed by outside opinions. Understanding who you are imbues you with a sturdiness that will intrinsically ground you back to yourself, clarifying what truly motivates you and what isn't meant for you.
Defining a sense of self.
Your sense of self is essentially your self-image. Having a "strong sense of self" is simply knowing who you truly are and what you stand for, according to holistic psychotherapist Sonia Fregoso, LMFT. It starts by evaluating and concretizing qualities like your convictions, values, wants, needs, desires, principles, truths, beliefs, behaviors, roles, likes, dislikes, etc.
"Having a sense of self is vital to our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. It becomes our internal compass for every interaction with others," she says. "Your sense of self tells you what boundaries you need to place with others and [how to] make decisions that will serve you. It also enables you to reflect on the things that don't serve you and evolves to help you survive, adapt, and ultimately thrive."
Think of it like this: Your sense of self functions as your bouncer, reminding you of your higher purpose. You'll feel OK releasing what's not right for you because you know you are energetically clearing space for the paths you are genuinely destined for. It easily centers what's authentically best for you, helping you navigate various complex situations.
"This knowing of yourself includes all of your identities, beliefs, values, traits, and intersections of these concepts," Fregoso says. She notes that other people will inevitably affect the way you view yourself, but ultimately it is an internal process. "That's not to say that our sense of self does not come from external input. Some of it does. But for the most part, our sense of self comes from our definition and view of ourselves. Only you can define who you are."
Signs you have a strong sense of self:
You make decisions that are best for you independently.
A person who has a strong sense of self knows what's right for their life and what will give them the most happiness, even if others can't make sense of it. You can make choices of all kinds (small, big, difficult, life-altering) with confidence because it aligns with your unique identity, and you accept yourself completely. There's not a lot of indecision or inherent second-guessing. People may want you to choose differently, but you're satisfied going your own way and taking responsibility for your life.
As licensed therapist Yesenia C. Dominguez, LCSW, puts it, "A self-sufficient person is not overly dependent on others and is not controlling of things that are outside of themselves. They can manage their emotions without acting them out on other people."
You have high regard for yourself.
You have your own hobbies, passions, and ambitions that are just for you because they're nourishing to your soul and well-being. You can admit you have flaws (we are all human after all!), and you're confident trying new things and learning new things about yourself to express different sides to your personality. That quality is a strong marker of high self-esteem.
"This person knows what they are good at and recognizes the things they are not good at without feeling bad about it. An example is, I can recognize that I may not be good at math, but I am good at working with people," Dominguez says.
You are your own best advocate.
Fregoso says having a strong sense of self means that you're able to set firm boundaries and express your feelings properly. If you don't have a strong sense of self, you won't be able to individuate yourself cleanly from others, and as a result, you may resort to people-pleasing and overaccommodation.
"Having a strong sense of self matters every day and in every situation. Without a sense of self, people feel lost, indecisive, anxious, depressed, and many times hopeless or worthless," Fregoso says. If you don't understand yourself very well, you run the risk of turning down expansive things that you could love and saying yes to things that aren't right for you.
You feel good about your development as a person.
Fregoso says being able to reflect honestly on your growth and evolution as a person is a huge indicator that you know who you are, aka have a strong sense of self. While there may have been twists and turns in your journey, you feel assured in your past decisions because they were right for you at the time. There's little gap between who you are and who you want to be because you're actively merging your multiple selves (platonic, work, romantic) into one cohesive identity. You're mutable enough to know you can live many different lifetimes throughout the course of your life, and you're not shaping your priorities by what will garner you the most acceptance from others.
You are receptive to the ebbs and flows of life.
Change can be terrifying, but it's a given. Someone with a strong sense of self can manage any curveball tossed in their direction; for example, they're able to stay firm in their self-worth even after losing a job and know how to maintain self-esteem even after a breakup. You have a strong faith in your ability to handle adversity and uncertainties. At the end of the day, you know those challenges are another opportunity for you to experience new aspects of yourself.
"You're open to change. A person with a strong sense of self will adapt to their environment. It's natural to have fears and anxiety about change, but they find a way to keep on going through these changes," Dominguez says.
You are emotionally intelligent and know how to tune into what's happening internally.
"This is a difficult one to accomplish and comes with practice, often in therapy," Dominguez notes. "But becoming aware of the things that trigger certain emotions and doing something with that information feels right for your journey." You aren't drawn to make decisions that don't honor your moral code because there's a spiritual alignment at play. You're connected to yourself and can apply healthy and appropriate reactions to anything that pops up.
Tips for developing your sense of self:
List your identities and how each one affects you.
"How does your race, class, gender affect you? Are you an only child, or do you have siblings? Are you a student or professional? Every identity you can come up with will help you get to know yourself," Fregoso says.
Get to know yourself from a societal, collective level and how it trickles down to how you individually view yourself. When you're categorizing yourself into these different buckets as an exercise, don't think of it like you're boxing yourself in. Instead, it's dedicated time to understand how these different identities may have influenced certain beliefs or behaviors for you. By knowing these distinctions, it makes it easier to sift through what organically came from you and what was drilled into your head by others.
Look into your lineage.
Fregoso recommends looking into your family history to gain insight into your story from an intergenerational perspective. "Do you know who your ancestors are beyond your great-grandparents? What is their story?" Knowing your family and their past can strengthen your value system, which can help color your beliefs, thoughts, and worldview with more cultural awareness.
Write out your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world.
"Examine where they come from. Do they come from you, family, or society? Identifying beliefs and values that come from within yourself will help build a stronger sense of self," Fregoso says.
It helps articulate language around who you are, adding to increased self-awareness and a more unyielding self-image. For example, you may realize you're not interested in typical 9-to-5 jobs and prefer to structure out your own schedule in a creative environment, leading you to turn down that corporate job in pursuit of what fits you better. This all helps you learn how you can interact with the world in a beneficial manner.
Learn how to set healthy boundaries.
While you're developing your sense of self, you may realize there are certain attributes that are fundamentally important to you and the types of boundaries you need. It's important you can convey that to the people in your life so they can help you affirm it as well. "Practice assertive communication skills," Dominguez advises. "These are things that can be extremely difficult for people and with some practice can improve your relationship with yourself and with others in your life."
The bottom line.
Your strong sense of self will anchor you into who you are as a person, ensuring you live a life where you feel empowered to take advantage of the opportunities that will benefit you in the best way possible.
"I encourage you to see this as a journey to finding your sense of self rather than a destination. Be gentle with yourself like you would be to a close friend or family member," says Dominguez. "Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will have since you will always be with yourself, and it requires nurturing."
Julie Nguyen is a writer, certified relationship coach, Enneagram educator, and former matchmaker based in Brooklyn, New York. She has a degree in Communication and Public Relations from Purdue University. She previously worked as a matchmaker at LastFirst Matchmaking and the Modern Love Club, and she is currently training with the Family Constellations and Somatic Healing Institute in trauma-informed facilitation.