10 Truths About Sex In Long-Term Relationships & Why It Decreases

What is sex supposed to look like in a long-term relationship? Chances are, if you're asking the question, your long-term relationship sex life is probably encountering some issues.

Many research studies have demonstrated a strong link between a good sex life and a happy overall relationship1: Sexual satisfaction contributes to relationship satisfaction, one study2 found.

Another study3 found good sex can even offset the negative effects of communication problems in relationships. Furthermore, having less sex than you wish you were having can make your relationship less stable and increase the likelihood of a breakup, according to a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior4.

All that being said, how important sex is in any given relationship—and what frequency of sex is considered satisfactory—really depends on the individuals involved. Some people aren't that interested in sex, and they don't particularly need it to have a happy relationship.

The start of a relationship tends to involve a lot of sexual energy because it's new, and you're exploring physical intimacy with someone for the first time.

The novelty and the surge of feel-good bonding chemicals we experience when falling in love explain why there's often a lot of sex early in the relationship.

It's normal to not feel like having sex in a relationship. It's not something to judge yourself or your partner over.

Good sex usually means a happier relationship, but the reverse is also true. Research has found a bidirectional relationship between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction5, meaning that if you're not happy with your partner, you're probably not going to be very happy with your sex life.

If one or both partners hasn't been interested in sex, it's possible that there are underlying relationship problems that are being brushed under the rug and that need to be addressed. To figure out what's going on, you'll need to open up the conversation and check in with each other about how you're both feeling about the state of your relationship.

People experience desire differently. Many people experience a concept known as spontaneous desire, where they randomly find themselves in the mood to have sex before any physical arousal or stimulation has even taken place. But for other people, sexual desire only comes along after physical arousal has kicked in. This is known as responsive desire. People with responsive desire feel like having sex only once they're physically aroused.

What exactly does that mean? It means that if you don't tend to spontaneously feel like having sex throughout your day, it doesn't mean you won't enjoy sex once you're having it. Sometimes just being open-minded and having a curious mindset about your partner's advances can give you the opportunity to get physically aroused, which might then make you feel like having sex.

No one needs to have sex with anyone when they don't want to, even in long-term relationships. Having sex when you don't want to can make you feel disconnected or even resentful toward your partner, and you're less likely to enjoy the sex. (Bad orgasms are a thing.)

Some research has found that having sex just to avoid feeling guilty for disappointing your partner actually leads to lower sexual and relationship satisfaction.

That said, a 2014 study6 published in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science found people who feel more motivated to meet their partner's sexual needs do tend to experience more sexual desire for their partner day-to-day and over time in long-term relationships.

In other words, when you care a lot about your partner's sexual pleasure, you tend to experience more desire to have sex with them.

Scheduled sex can be just as sexy because there's a sense of buildup and anticipation. Of course, don't just put sex on the calendar and show up naked when the time comes.

Have some fun building up the sexual desire leading up to the date. Sexting and simmering are great ways to increase sexual energy in a long-term relationship.

Another idea: Sex and relationship coach Pam Costa, M.A., recommends setting up "first base dates," for example, where you pencil in time to have a romantic night together and just make out a lot. When you remove the pressure to have intercourse, you make room for enjoying all the other kinds of physical pleasures that can feel just as good if not better.

Scorekeeping has no place in a healthy sex life. Couples with desire discrepancy sometimes fall into a dynamic where sex is about who's giving in and how often, and it can create a very negative you-versus-me energy around sex. That's no fun.

Sex should be about exploring together and helping each other feel good. If you feel like your relationship is caught in a negative cycle around sex, bring it up to your partner and work together for mutually pleasant solutions.

Sometimes this push and pull of negotiating sex can bring up a lot of feelings of rejection (for the partner with the higher libido), isolation (for the lower-libido partner), and guilt (for both). These are big feelings, and it might be worth reaching out to a sex therapist or sex educator who can help you talk it out, clear the air, and get to a more positive place again.

Ditch the assumptions you have about what couples' sex lives look like over time. A 2018 study found those narratives about "passion decay" in long-term relationships actually became self-fulfilling prophecies: that is, people who believed passion would decline in their relationships over time really did experience lower commitment levels.

So don't fall into the trap of believing sexual desire will automatically fade as your relationship goes on.