It's OK If You Don't Want To Have Sex With Your Partner Right Now
Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere.
Anyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship can probably attest to this golden truth about sex: No matter how great it was at the start of a relationship, things usually slow down eventually. Oftentimes this happens in the form of desire discrepancy—one partner wants to do it, but the other doesn't.
You've probably read plenty of sex advice columns telling you what you need to do next: figure out a way to get the spark back, whether that means switching up your routine or going along with sex you don't really want or otherwise finding a way to rekindle your sex life.
But can we talk about how it's totally OK to not want to have sex for a while?
You are perfectly within reason to want to take a break from sex, even if you're married or dating someone you deeply love.
Why you don't feel like having sex.
Below are a few reasons people might not want to have sex with their partner, according to Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., a prominent sex researcher and New York University professor of human sexuality:
- Lack of sleep
- Having kids or a new baby
- Certain medical conditions
- Being on certain medications (particularly SSRI-based antidepressants)
- Hormonal fluctuations
- Depression or anxiety
- Poor body image
- Frustration with or resentment toward your partner
- Lack of communication
- Boredom or dissatisfaction with the kind of sex you're having
And many, many other reasons.
Is it normal to not want to have sex in a relationship?
"It is absolutely normal to not be in a mood for sex for some periods of time," Vrangalova tells mbg. "Our level of spontaneous sexual desires—the frequency and intensity with which [we] think about and desire sex without being 'provoked' by something sexual—fluctuates a fair amount over the course of our lives. These fluctuations are due to all sorts of biological, psychological, and relational factors."
It's very common for sex in long-term relationships to go through different phases, including some in which one partner doesn't want to be intimate or feels like they don't like sex with their partner. One study found four in five people have dealt with mismatched sex drives in their relationship in the last month. So if you're a couple going through this right now, you're by no means alone. This doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with your relationship, and for sure it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
"There are so many things that affect our sex drives at different points in our lives that virtually all long-term couples will find themselves in situations where one of them desires sex more than the other some of the time, and about a third of couples will struggle with this for prolonged periods of time or at a level that's distressing to one or both partners," Vrangalova explains. "Expecting for two people who've been living together for a while to both be in the mood for sex at the same time on a regular basis is unrealistic."
Can a relationship survive without sex?
Of course, it totally depends on the couple. "An active sex life is important to relationship satisfaction to the extent that it's important to the people in that relationship. Whether not wanting sex will negatively affect someone's relationship depends entirely on how their partner views their lack of interest and how the couple deals with this sexual desire discrepancy," Vrangalova says.
Some people just aren't that interested in sex, and some studies have found people who aren't sexually active are just as happy as those who have sex all the time. That said, a large body of research also shows a strong link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction (though definitions of "sexual satisfaction" vary widely from couple to couple). Desire discrepancy, in particular, can increase instability and conflict in a relationship, research finds.
But sometimes the particular climate of your relationship is why you don't want sex right now, sex therapist Vanessa Marin adds. "There's a two-way relationship between relationship satisfaction and sexual desire. If you're not feeling desire for your partner, it may be because of other dynamics in your relationship," she tells mbg. "For example, maybe you're feeling like your partner isn't holding up their end of the bargain with the kids."
No matter your reason, your relationship will not implode if you need to take a break from sex for a while. If sex is important to your partner, this break shouldn't be forever—but just like you need to be compassionate about their needs, they need to be compassionate about yours.
"Asking for a break from sex may be difficult for your partner," Marin says. "But there are still plenty of reasons you may want to ask for a break, even though you know it may be difficult. And there are reasons your partner would say 'yes' to taking a break, even though it may be difficult."
What to do when you don't want sex with your partner:
1. Tell your partner directly how you're feeling about sex.
If you know you've just not been feeling the heat these days (or have just been having a lot of awkward brushes with your partner in the bedroom lately), it's important to take some time to pause and communicate with your partner about what's going on in your head and heart. This desire discrepancy is not a you-vs.-them problem; the two of you are on the same side, the same team, facing this shared challenge together.
"Tell your partner you'd like to talk about something important," Marin explains. "Then work together to create the time and space for that conversation to happen. In the moment, make sure you both feel calm and open. Remind your partner that you love them and that you have their best interests in mind, both individually and as a couple. Tell your partner why you'd like to take a break and the positive impact that you think it will have on your relationship overall."
2. Stay intimate in other ways.
However long your sex break might be, Vrangalova says to make sure you're finding ways to offset the consequences of not having that physical intimacy, which is often a catalyst for deeper connection, play, expressions of affection, and shared joy. There are many ways to be sensual without actually having sex, and over time, this might help get you back in the mood for sex.
It's also important for the higher-libido partner to make sure they're being supportive of the lower-libido partner throughout this journey. Feeling that love and generosity can itself create more intimacy in the relationship.
3. Process your feelings from a spirit of curiosity, not guilt.
Spend time processing how you feel about sex and what might be getting in the way of you enjoying sex with your partner. Once you have a firmer understanding of why you're not in the mood for sex, you and your partner can work on creating a more sexually stimulating environment for both of you, whatever that might mean.
That could be more time away from the kids, exploring new kinks or sexual interests, using more vacation days for sex-oriented staycations so you're not stressed about work all the time, working through lingering relationship problems that have been keeping you distant, creating a stronger emotional connection during sex, or whatever it might be. (Here are a few ways to make sex better for women, plus how to get comfortable asking for what you want in bed.)
Just remember there's nothing to feel guilty about here. Your partner can wait. Sex should be something you seek out because it feels good to you and makes you happy and because you enjoy connecting with your partner. What would make the prospect of sex fun for you?
Sometimes after a long while of push and pull over sex in a relationship, it can be hard for it to feel positive and playful again. It can often be helpful to work with a sex therapist or sex educator who can help you clear some of that negative energy around sex and get back to feeling some of that excitement again.
4. Be patient with yourself.
If sex is important to at least one of you, you probably can't go on forever without ever having sex again. How long can a couple go without having sex? "There's no hard-and-fast rule here, so it's important for you and your partner to keep checking in with each other," Marin says.
In the interim, just remember there's absolutely nothing wrong with you for asking to push the pause button on your sex life. There's also no rush for you to change anything right away. If you need a breather, then create that space for yourself. Breathe.
Just be honest with your partner in the meantime about how you're feeling and what you need, and keep the lines of communication open and the love freely flowing.
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