How To Create Irresistible Desire In Relationships

Desire. It's that energy that wakes us up, focuses our attention, gets our blood flowing and makes us feel alive! Desire is one of the most enjoyable human experiences there is: wanting something and anticipating getting it. Desire is the energy that surges us into evolution.

So what are the qualities that inspire this delicious feeling of desire between two people? I had the pleasure of listening to the lovely Esther Perel speak, and she had some phenomenal tips on the subject.

Even the word playfulness makes me feel giddy, so it makes sense why it's a key to desire. Playful energy is light, silly, flowing and uplifting. In a world where we get bogged-down by responsibility of all sorts, playful energy can be the antidote.

The reason playful energy makes us feel desire is really simple — it's fun! We all want to laugh and enjoy ourselves. When we experience playfulness with another person, we want more. Voilà! Desire is created.

I love that Esther listed admiration as one of the qualities that creates desire, and here's why:

We feel admiration for others when we recognize them as separate, other, external to ourselves. They are complete individuals in their own right. You are you, I am me. This healthy separation — or recognition that we are each individually whole — is so important in the feeling of wanting more.

We're all familiar with the fantasy-delusion that another person is supposed to "complete you." Well, as it turns out, if you want to feel attracted to another person for an extended period of time, this isn't the actual case. Because if you truly believe someone "completes you," you're in a dependent relationship — and that can be one of the biggest relationship-buzz-kills ever.

Ever notice how you love having sex on vacation? Traveling induces the feeling of newness into our lives, and this a huge aphrodisiac.

So, you might be wondering, how do you create novelty in an ongoing, long-term relationship? It's actually easier than you think. Here's the thing — you're always growing. You are an expanding being. You're in a constant state of evolution.

Schedules — while necessary — smolder desire. Why? Because in the midst of day-to-day life, we turn on autopilot and turn off life force. Needless to say, autopilot isn't sexy.

Here's the thing: autopilot (or unconsciousness) is the same thing as disengagement — from ourselves and others. We do it as a preservation mechanism, but it backfires. When we shut off, the juice of life shuts off, too. So, what's the solution?

Well, it's simple: meditation! Meditation is so helpful in increasing our satisfaction in life because it re-engages us to the present moment. It turns us on!

If you find yourself moving through your relationship in autopilot, stop, get present and spend some quality, engaged time with your partner. Doing so will be sure to reignite your flame.