Sex can be confusing. This holds true regardless of your gender, and regardless of your sexuality.
That said, women tend to feel more shame about their bodies. Because of our "machinery," women are also more frequently uncertain about how their parts work and how to have orgasms during lovemaking.
But both women and men can enjoy blissful erotic encounters just by empowering themselves with self-knowledge. Sexuality aside, each partner should focus on good sexual communication, and what feels good to them.
Here are some of my tried and tested suggestions to increase women's pleasure during sex, and to send temperatures soaring in the bedroom ...
1. Explore Tantric and Taoist perspectives on sex.
Tantra and Taoism tell us that men are like fire and women are like water. What this means is that men heat up quickly but also extinguish quickly, whereas women are a slow boil, but once hot, can simmer for hours. There are, of course, variations to this, but taking a slower, more holistic approach allows for greater sensation.
2. Take your time.
Create an environment where she knows she has time to focus and relax. Remove all distractions and responsibilities, including work, children, TV and any daily errands. Check in advance to see how you can support her to make sure these things are done so she can focus for an hour or two (or a whole weekend) just on herself.
By supporting her in knowing she has time to just switch off, you are holding space for her to begin enjoying sex. Being rushed, distracted or disturbed can be off-putting for her. Having all these bases covered shows her you're sensitive to her and helps you create space she can retreat deeply into.
3. Pay attention to her and her needs.
For a lot of women, orgasm alone is empty when there's no deeper connection or intention embedded within it. Sure, orgasms feel good. But many women can be left feeling "meh" after an orgasm — especially if she feels expected to perform immediately thereafter for you.
Instead, try touching her whole body with long firm strokes to get her blood moving. A stiff and nonresponsive lover is hard to get any kind of ignition happening with. By using long firm strokes over her whole body and inviting her to breathe and relax, you are letting her know she has all the time in the world to enjoy your offerings.
4. Map her body.
Explore different erogenous zones on her body including, neck, shoulders, scalp, ears, belly, inner thighs, inner arms, back, buttocks and feet. Try experimenting with speed or pressure. Light feathery touch can feel nice sometimes but annoying at others. Invite her feedback to help navigate her body. Then follow her cues.
5. Allow her to indicate when she is ready to receive.
Always keep communication in mind when it comes to intimacy — but especially for genital touch. Start slowly then build up. Use a quality silicone lubricant (or saliva if a regular partner) as dry fingers on genitals don't feel great. Ask her how she likes to be touched or even ask her to show you.
Keep your focus on the vulva (inner and outer lips) and the clitoris (in other words, not the vagina — AKA inside). This is helpful because if you are both interested in helping her orgasm, staying focused on stimulating the outer areas is a great way to start. For a lot of women, a clitoral orgasm doesn't require any kind of vaginal penetration, unless she wants and likes it. Don't assume that she must have vaginal stimulation to orgasm — especially if you're trying to make the session all about her needs.
6. Keep certain places in mind.
First, encourage her to relax: this can help her surrender into an orgasmic experience. Using a powerful external vibrator on her clitoris can help this process. Bringing toys into your lovemaking creates opportunity for her to really open up sexually while taking pressure off you to be the sole provider — (especially if she's a "simmerer") as some women can indulge in an hour or more of play before even thinking about orgasm. Remember for a lot of women, extending the pleasure can be greater than any orgasm at all.
7. Invite her to participate in the process.
Ask questions, and encourage her to express herself and her needs (and desires!). Sometimes it's just the right combination of time, relaxation and technique that will provide the ultimate recipe to deep, succulent surrender and satisfaction.