19 Signs He Doesn't Want A Relationship With You & What To Do Next

These days, people have such different ideas about what it means to be dating and what it means to be in a relationship, so it can sometimes be hard to know where you stand with someone you've been spending a lot of time with.

If you suspect that the guy you're hanging out with or crushing on isn't interested in a serious relationship with you, and that's something that you do want and have been hoping for, it's best to just ask him about it directly. That's truly the only way you're going to get a definitive answer.

Have you ever heard this guy talk fondly about the idea of being in a serious relationship, enjoying having a steady partner, and being committed to one person? Or does he (or his friends) laugh at the idea of him being in a real relationship?

If the idea of him liking those things feels at odds with what you know about him and his personality, that's probably a sign that you know on a gut level that he's not a "relationship guy."

If you've been talking to or hanging out with this guy for a while, but he constantly shuts down any attempt at defining the relationship, that's a sign that he probably doesn't want one. A person who intentionally avoids the "DTR talk" usually does so because they prefer the vagueness (and often the presumed nonexclusivity that comes with it).

What's more, if he makes you feel guilty for wanting to clarify what's going on between you two, he is already signaling that he doesn't want to be responsible for your emotional needs or meeting your expectations.

Even when you do try to talk about what's going on between the two of you, he avoids offering any specifics about what he wants. He might make excuses such as saying he "likes taking things slow" or "has a lot going on right now," or he may say he "just wants to see where things go" with the two of you. Those things may be true for him, but the issue is when these things are said without giving any indication about whether a committed relationship could ever truly be on the table.

Usually if someone is open to a serious relationship, they'll be pretty upfront about that when asked about it. A person who wants to date you seriously will not hesitate to tell you once you've directly asked them about it.

Some people do prefer relationships without labels, but importantly, a relationship without labels is still a relationship and still requires clarity around expectations.

"Some people may choose not to label their relationship because they're afraid of being tied down too quickly or in a place where they feel trapped," relationship therapist Shena Tubbs, MMFT, LPC, CSAT-C, once told mbg. "However, one should understand that you maintain full autonomy of yourself in every relationship you're in, and you are the one who is responsible for communicating what you need, what you want, and what you don't want. So if you feel you're at a place where you cannot (or don't want) to date one person exclusively, that should be communicated to your partner so that [they] can make a decision about whether that works for them."

Now, take this one with a grain of salt. These days, especially with the prolific use of dating apps, most people will be exploring several connections at the same time until they find one person they want to focus on building something serious with. But if you've already been dating for several weeks or even months and he's still pursuing connections with other romantic interests, it may be because he's already decided that you're not the one.

Some people just happen to be great texters, but that doesn't always mean they're actually interested in a relationship. If he's always blowing up your phone but never seems available to actually hang out in person, then he clearly isn't prioritizing building a real relationship with you.

If a guy is spotty with his texting—that is, he's kind of "hot and cold" with you, really interested one day and then doesn't text you for three weeks—suffice to say that building a relationship with you is probably not a priority to him. Likewise, psychiatrist Mimi Winsberg, M.D., says having a "flat affect" via texting is an early-dating red flag.

"They may be emotionally aloof, stiff," she writes in her book Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don't Have To. "There is no smiling in the language, no winking, no raised eyebrow, no blushing. They may as well be sending you the snail emoji, for all the energy that's coming your way."

Does he ever ask you questions about your personal life or your inner world? Does he ever seem interested in your job and career goals? Your art? Your friends and family? Your wounds and traumas? Or does he sort of just nod along when you talk about that stuff and then change the topic?

He doesn't say much about how he feels about you, and he doesn't really do anything romantic or caring for you. You're also nowhere to be seen on his social media, and he doesn't really talk about you publicly with anyone. When you're in a group, perhaps he even avoids holding your hand, kissing you, and all the other sorts of things he usually does when you're alone.

Notice if he often cancels plans with you, demotes you in favor of other friends and projects, or never seems to have time for you. Or perhaps he's always too busy to do things you want to do, but you see him spending time with his people regularly. He also isn't really someone you can rely on—he doesn't show up when you need help, and he generally has let you down more than once.

Are you the only one putting effort into making plans, doing romantic gestures, and generally trying to deepen your connection? Relationships are a two-way street, and if he isn't working with you to strengthen your relationship and trying to take steps forward, it may be because he doesn't want things to move forward. 

"If they want to be in a relationship with you, they will show up. They will keep asking you out, they will want to see you a lot, and they will want to move in that direction," therapist and life coach Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC, once told mbg. "They will ask you to things that are significant, and they will talk about plans for the future."

Just because a person isn't interested in a serious relationship with you doesn't mean they don't genuinely like you. He might just like spending time with you, think you're really fun and interesting, and enjoy your connection exactly as it is right now. Of course, it's also possible that he doesn't like you in particular but rather just likes having access to sex, flirting, and intimacy, which your connection might provide him.

"There are a lot of reasons people date casually, ranging from wanting to gain more interpersonal experience with people to whom you're attracted, to avoiding the emotional attachment that comes with deeper levels of commitment, to just wanting to have fun," sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. "A lot of my clients are casually dating until someone presents themselves as a viable long-term partner, so sometimes it's a stopgap between relationships."

It's likely a good idea to cut someone off if you feel like their presence in your life is negatively affecting your well-being or your ability to pursue your long-term goals. If you feel like this guy is being careless with your feelings, lying to you or avoiding being honest with you, or just generally doesn't have your best interests at heart, those are valid reasons to end things with him.

That said, if he's a good guy who treats you well and just happens to not be looking for a relationship right now, then it may not be necessary to cut all ties. You don't have to cut off someone just because they don't want to be in a relationship with you. It all depends on what you're comfortable with, how much you enjoy spending time with this person, and how spending time with them affects your ability to find what you're looking for elsewhere.

Some people enjoy having someone to casually date and hang out with (or even just a friend with benefits) while simultaneously continuing to look for a long-term partner. Others only like to date someone when they know there's long-term potential.

When in doubt, ask directly. Literally say these words to this guy: "Are you open to a long-term, committed relationship with me? I'm interested in that. What about you?"

Then see what he says. Be direct about what a relationship means to you, what kind of future you're interested in with a long-term partner, and whether you're comfortable continuing to hang out with a guy who isn't on the same page as you.